It all began on a blustery Rainy Day…AND It all ended with a beautiful Sunset!

Reference & EducationWriting & Speaking

  • Author Hema The Soulful Writer
  • Published April 1, 2020
  • Word count 2,745

I still freshly remember it was on 12/03/2019…

I wake up to the perpetual pitter-patter of rain upon my windows, droplets yet to scatter the dawning rays of the rising sun. It certainly wasn’t a good start of the day. A sense of emptiness suffused me. Feeling of hopelessness, loneliness, low self-worth, and low motivation covered me like a thick choking blanket with tears streamed down my cheeks and a quaver in my throat. I felt dead, like a dead woman walking in flesh without a soul, who had no reason to live any more. I no longer saw any meaning of life but then I saw no reason to die as well.

I wondered how I would be able to get through the rest of my life, and that thought was heebie-jeebies.

Why you may ask?

In the past 8 years, I underwent traumatic life experiences and spent the majority of my time shrouded with darkness.

I stood on the verge of something I couldn’t put into words.

The avoirdupois of the entirety seemed to press down on my shoulders and I battled to take even a single step forward. It was intolerable. All of it. Come hell or high water, I kept moving. The gloominess grew gloomier, the anguish grew sharper. all of it appeared to merely grow in strength. Will things could ever get better?

I began to wonder!

I’m such an eccendentiast, someone who hides pain behind a smile, I suffer in silence. No one knows the depth of my pain.

Well, I’ve come so far. Tried my best. Faced the toughest times and sailed through the roughest water. Suffered a lot of abuse, had a toxic relationship, impacted me both physically and psychologically. Went through a therapist. Tormented with suicidal thoughts. I managed to somehow complete my certifications amidst all of the adversities.

Emotional eruption leads me to extreme consequences. In such moments, I lost my mind I was weeping and raging uncontrollably.

Everything hits me like a tidal wave.

To crown it all, I didn’t have anyone to speak to and who all ears to me but it was the last straw when I had egomaniac friends who kept sucking the soul out of me and taken my kindness for granted.

The longer I dwell in it, in the heartache, the more it festers. It’s difficult but I have to leave it alone to honour my emotion, honour my feelings. I tried to Imagined it like a balloon and let it float away. Wished "au revoir"! It required an exorbitant dose of strength and resilience but eventually, it will make sense. N0, It won’t be easy…YES, It will change our life. It will make the painful years a little easier to swallow

Furthermore, as an introvert- I don’t be friends with just anyone- at least I don’t. I’m very selective about who I let into my little Universe. It’s as scarce as hen’s teeth that I find someone who I can connect intellectually and "click" with. I looked around and cudgelled my brain to how everyone else had become friends with each other at warp speed. It was then that I began to cotton on I wasn’t making an effort to get to know anyone.

I’m not the type to cycle in and out of friendship. I encounter true connection rarely and would never dare settle for less. I would rather wait a lifetime in isolation, than rush into something shallow or ordinary just to feel needed.

On that instant, I was frightfully yearning to engage in a colloquy with someone.

I just wanna text…text.Only text someone to maintain my equilibrium and ataraxy.

Now, where and how do I meet or make friends?

Mulling Over

While I was in pensive thought, the wind suddenly rose. Gust after gust of howling wind blew through trees. A bolt of lightning streaked across the sky. The icy grey sky restlessly grumbled. The clouds which struggled to withstand the burden of the weight which the rain held, soon gave in. Torrents of rain came pouring down.

Without a second thought, I took my mobile and started scrolling through Instagram suggested friends list and actually, I decided randomly to ping one stranger. With cipher expectation.

Mind you, I’m not very much a social media person.

Scrolling…scrolling…scrolling raptly, then my energy stopped at a profile moniker KUMAR.

He appeared to be in his late-thirties.

Mind says YES and Heart says NO!

I’ve got the collywobbles about how to start a conversation with him.

Just like a cat on a hot tin roof! Haha! I am beginning to feel this extreme merely by dint of uncharacteristic of me. Little did I know I would one day text an unknown person?

In tune with my emotions, I always follow my heart and leave everything else to chance. But this moment, subconsciously swift to follow my mind. As someone who doesn’t feel comfortable texting a stranger, I was mildly terrified of initiating a conversation but it went pretty well.

Now let us rewind how it all began…

Expeditiously, I said "Hi’ (without expecting a reply)

Much to my surprise, a friend request popped up on my phone screen from this profile name Kumar. I reckon this request was solely to verify the authenticity of my Instagram profile. Haha. I was amused.

Request accepted by me AND….

He did reply to me with "Hi HEMA". This caught my attention!

People, in general, like to hear their names spoken. A person’s name is the doorway into their world. Plus, it is also a fantastic way to begin a positive connection with another human being!

My cheekbones lifted high and started smiling ear to ear.

Someone with fewer insta followers like me, I sombrely thought my profile may not be appeal to him. BUT I was wrong!

That blissful moment led to a few exchanges without even me following him and without having seen a clear photo of him.

May I just add, that he seems to me, clearly the life and soul of the party.

‘KUMAR SIR’ - this is how I address him! Well, "Sir" is not a title, it’s rather a byname. Hehehe! :-)

Not to mention, Kumar Sir was whimsically delightful in replying to my text. He was surprisingly entertaining. A choked feeling of dejection turned into awe. I stood transfixed and captivated by his messages. It was an absolute joy texting him.

Having been in an abusive relationship before this, the utmost politeness in his messages with respect made me want to talk to him more. AND what’s more, he replies instantly to my messages which are veritably a positive sign.

Along, he compliments my artworks and articles. A cool, serious guy will give you sincere compliments. You will be able to sense genuine praise from a fake one from a thousand miles away! I found his compliments were simon-pure.

Plus, he was generous with his time and wisdom.

He queried me, about my personal stories, education, professions, hobbies, family, etc. Whatever it is, the subject of the question doesn’t matter because the point is, he wants to get to know me. Well, my life pretty much an open book. I was overtly shared with him.

The most bizarre part is that I’m engaging in a text conversation with Kumar Sir sans knowing sweet Fanny Adams about him. I didn’t even enquire anything about him. Isn’t this sounds queer?

More than anything, the kindest and the very best thing, he tries to make me laugh whenever we exchange text. He does not need to be a stand-up comedian for him to try and make me laugh. He just uses his good sense of humour, equally, exchanges lighthearted and amusing banter. Finding someone you can laugh with is crucial even if everyone else rolls their eyes at his jokes, if they crack you up, that’s all that matters.

AND his cheesy pick-up lines without fail leaves me in splits.

His positivity is contagious, and his consistent encouragement draws others to him with ease.

Kumar Sir- the friend that reminds you that you can do anything as long as you have the guts to go for it.

He’s the friend that you can talk about your dreams.

He’s the friend that will tell you that it’s all going to be okay.

He’s the friend that knows everything you’ve been through, knows your deepest secret, darkest secret but never judges you.

He’s the friend that tells you that you’re strong and believes in you.

He’s the friend that encourages the parts of you you’re afraid to let shine.

He’s the friend that made you believe you can do anything.

If you’re lucky enough to have this kinda person in your life already- show gratitude.

Life is so much easier, so much more manageable, when you have someone like that by your side.

Will you skirmish childishly with them and say things inadvertently in the heat of the moment and know that you’ll sort it out? - Unfortunately, it never happened in my case!

I still vividly remember, approximately 7 months ago on 12/04/2019…

It was during sunset, a whirl of shell-pink and pale blue colour with a trace of mauve transfigured the sky as the perishing fiery, golden orb sank below the horizon, and threads of light lingered in the sky. The light was diminishing faster than could take a breath. Crickets chirping, colours subdued in the fading light, first star twinkling in the sky, a close silence in the dim evening light. It was a cold moonless night.

Coloured sunset beauty,

Night’s luminous glow

The peaceful world evolves…

My wave of happiness quickly curled into sorrow.

Kumar Sir honoured me with social media award – "BLOCKED" award!!!

It would be the last time we would text each other and by the end of that evening, I was deeply shaken. But more lasting and more unsettling than this has been the feeling of loss without his friendship.

We were the polar opposite. I’m quite introvert and he seems the opinionated free spirit. We failed to connect intellectually!

An enthralling topics text exchanges leads to bitter dissension.

What happened was mere contretemps! AND our friendship started taking its toll.

But why to the extent of ending a friendship?

We have been at loggerhead over some petty issues. This argument grew from nowhere into a tornado. My words might have triggered him. From the way, he reacted it must have been hurtful for him. In my view, our dispute was no big deal, just a storm in a teacup.

Howbeit, I’m not entirely sure who or what went wrong during that moment, I can only think of one thing that could have been my fault but certainly not wholly. It takes two to tango.

Texting can easily be misinterpreted and misunderstood as text messaging cannot precisely convey emotions, tones, and gestures. So it is likely the real meaning of our messages gets lost through the medium.

We text each other in an intricately crafted medium of gibberish that even you and I don’t understand sometimes. This led to misperception.

The words that mollify him, scare me… and the words that mollify me scare him. We became blind to each other’s good hearts and building barricades instead of bridges. His words packed with a powerful punch and his words had an air of finality to them and no matter how hard I railed against them, nothing would change his mind.

Words flew from him, I’m horrified! Unanticipated! My glassy eyeball spinning with fear. In that moment of heat, friendship shattered into glassy shards. Before I could ameliorate the situation, in a fit of rage he BLOCKED me on Instagram.

AND that’s how it’s ended!

I’m shattered into fragments! I can’t help but feel so isolated and companionless without a virtual friend. I didn’t expect him to get out of my life so soon. I was so broken by his flat out cutting me off and walking away when there is no real reason.

The end of my virtual friendship precipitated a whirlwind of emotions-confusion, vexation and unhappiness.

My mind and heart want to bury the hatchet with him. A couple of days later, I reached out to him via Facebook but he didn’t respond.

HOW WRONG I WAS? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

I was completely mystified by his actions.

You know, the ego is what kills most friendships. Contentions are meant to be solved together. But this generation is full of pride. If the only ego could be banished, friendships would last longer.

Why do we always expect the other person to apologise first?

Or the other person to be the first to acknowledge you and come and talk to you? Why can it not be us?

So, after a month, I decided to send Kumar Sir an apology note on Facebook. It wasn’t easy, and I felt awful and sick to my stomach. I was apprehensive about how it would be received. He might not even respond, or his response may not be pleasant or I will be surprised at how beautiful his responses may be and it will give me that closure I seek.

I have never met Kumar Sir in person, and he has never seen me in person, so it shouldn’t matter what he thinks. But it should matter how he feels, and I shouldn’t be the ground for him feeling negative or bad about himself. And I don’t want just let that painful seed of bitterness grow in our hearts. So that I will be able to go to sleep with a full heart.

I sought forgiveness wholeheartedly and forgive without an expectation but he didn’t respond though. Perhaps, the memory of the conversation still vexed him.

While I’m typing this, I ensconced myself on the couch and still ruminating on the issue. Why so much hatred on me? What did I do or say?

I know nothing would ever be the same again.

But, that’s Okay. Well, sometimes things happen beyond our control.

Now I came to know that, one of the worst things about social media is the fact that you can be blocked from someone’s life without a second thought, in less than it takes to blink.

And Yes, I get our lives don’t revolve around the person we just met online. Social media is social media!

Although, it was an ephemeral virtual friendship, it was sheer delight texting him. My memories of him, the fun ones, are that flame, but the rest is the ashes I watch blow away in the wind. I think that’s fair.

And so my world has become blacker than it ever was before….Those days were one of the gloomiest days I’ve had to endure.

Little by little, a gentle light began to replace the darkness. Hope overrode some of the shadows…

But occasionally I still feel a twinge of hurt.

I believe good friends never say goodbye. They simply say - See you soon, my virtual friend, Kumar Sir!

Kumar Sir, I hope that you will have beautiful coincidences. Thank you for your short-lived virtual friendship. I hope you find your happiness out there.

Well, life is unpredictable. One day can be amazing

The next can be tempestuous.

One day everything can be perfect.

The next it can go off in a loop. And we have to deal with curve balls thrown at us.

Sometimes everything hits you all at once. You have it all together on Monday and by Friday you lose it all. Pay attention to all your blessings and be grateful for all you do have and more. Life is one big wave, and all we can do is flow, embrace, and modify with it all.

But I love life, nonetheless! The idea of not knowing what’s coming and the possibility of surprise and wonder are constant reminders that living life is marvellous!

Read, Write, Play with colours, is the mantra I live my life by!

Be Kind and Spread Love!

Signing off with the mind and spirit of an artist,

Hema.

I write my own story! AND I write when I'm inspired!

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Article comments

Annyman
Annyman · 3 months ago
Like the locutions you added to your storyline.

Maran
Maran · 3 months ago
Interesting and a good read indeed.

Anna
Anna · 4 months ago
I found this to be an interesting story.