Pies are great. Every civilization has enjoyed them in some form since before the dawning of time, at least close to it. Like democracy, writing, plumbing, and water, pies were invented by the Greeks, wrapping flour paste around meats and such. The Romans thought that was a pretty good idea, and proceeded to improve upon it with their knowledge of sugar and salt preservation, due to owning much of Europe. Things took a turn for the sweeter when they invented a dessert called placenta, which was like the original cheesecake. Yummy.

The Middle Ages saw a modernization of pies, taking on a more calzone type appearance. Ovens were pretty pricy, but open fires worked just as well, and so cooks and bakers got chummy and created delicious morsels for warlords, fiefdoms, and plague rats.

The Pilgrims left England due to a lack of religious tolerance, but decided to take the pie idea with them to America, where to save food they cut corners and made round, shallow pies. Squanto and his buddies made up for this though by suggesting the Pilgrims use awesome berries and fruits instead of ham.

England was upset that the Pilgrims found a new a country with better pie ingredients and, failing to keep it for themselves (see American Revolution), they decreed that all countries in the British Empire would maintain a policy of savory pies only. Since then, not a single UK country has turned out a decent sweet pie.

Today, pie is everywhere, just as it should be. Thanksgiving, also known as Universal Pie Day, is a religious holiday for pie-enthusiasts. Christmas is also celebrated with pies, and there has even been talk of the iPie: slimmer, sleeker, more tasty, and available as a psp download.

There is one sad tale in the history of pies. On a gray, dreary day in 1909, Ben Turpin was making another silent film and was being a bit of a jerk, so another actor threw a cream pie in his face. This was sad, as it meant the loss of another pie, never to be eaten, but also pretty funny and even Ben laughed about it. Since then, cream pies to the face make dreary days bright, and lots of performers decided that a cream pie to the face would be an excellent move to copy into their film. But don’t forget, you saw it in Mr. Flip first.

Apple pie was claimed and patented by the American government as a national symbol, and since then has played a large role in patriot tableaus, stirring speeches, and negotiating the Camp David Accords. Today, the eating of an apple pie (please observe a moment of respectful silence in the memory of Squanto and his excellent culinary genius) is right up there with saluting the flag, paying taxes, donating to the Boy Scouts, and fighting Nazism. Eating pie isn’t just about good taste; it’s a stand-up-and-shout gesture of all things good.