To the Ghost We Have Not Met

It is said that life has its ups and downs. It does have for sure, and we all will have so. Why might we feel over the moon one moment and feel low the next moment? It is our choices that decide so. How we feel now is because of the choice we made yesterday, and how we will feel or be tomorrow will be the result of the choice we are making today. We all just try to do our best to stay out of the stress bubble either at work or in our social life, and doing so differs from one to another. To some people- including the writer- the more social we are, the more the trouble; the smaller the circle, the less the pain; the less the trust, the less the disappointment. It is life and nothing is predictable. What you really experience might or mightn’t be experienced by someone else. Among the things we do in life to distress ourselves is having a relationship. The one that makes your life easier in the sense of the word; yet not all relationships will bring you peace and comfort as you had expected. Let’s break it down and just talk that kind of toxic and unhealthy relationships.

What could be more hurtful and disappointing than a toxic relationship? A relationship that might go beyond control when “gaslighting”- a massive, sneaky, and intimidating way of manipulating and controlling your partner- takes any kind of involvement in the relationship. The sacred notion of relationships is that partners look for what they spiritually miss and need the most, so they are a couple to complete each other, not to use one another. Unfortunately, in most recent relationships it has been obvious that either the girl or the boy is just looking for a benefit with less or no care at all of the other partner’s sentiments. The reasons behind that are enormous. Could we just say that money might be the first thing that most partners chase? It might be for some, but not for others.

Also, there is another kind of committed relationships where both are fully committed, but some lapses and sexual impulses are likely to happen. A time when a partner feels the need of “one-night stand” or a short secret fling to try their ability of having a different meal for a short time, and this is common, and in their defense, no one has the right to judge whether it is moral or not. The reason behind mentioning that is because it is common, and it hardly ever affects any committed relationships.

Another kind of partners is the one who dates four or five others while being in a committed relationship at the same time. Here could we call this one;’ a real partner’ or just a cheater? This kind we are talking about here is the totally financially- independent kind who is not in need of another partner to leach off. The fact here is that women like to be the “Sirens’- female seducers, and men want to be the “Rakes”- male seducers. Both kinds love to seduce all people around, and hear a lot of flirting words. Thus, this kind of either men or women will keep seducing and making partners just to feel they are charming and controlling. To rule and control is the thing that women love the most, so it is already genetical then. Such feelings give them the sense of security, warmth, and value, but for how long it will last is the question must be asked. If I were a girl, I might come up with a close-to- the truth answer, but in vain. To some people- of this kind- it’s life and should be fully enjoyed and no commitments should take place. Besides, people look for excitements and charm, and the more they get, the more they want, and "what could be more exciting than getting to know new charming mates whenever there is a chance.” To some others, one of those men/ women whom we are dating is considered as the real future backup because we all age and no one will stay young forever. Let’s face it and call him/her the silly backup who is the most easily manipulated and controlled. There must be a backup when you find yourself old and no more charming.

Moreover, what about the other kind of people who are not financially independent but still engaged in such more-than- one relationships. Could we say that they are looking for any care, sentiments or true feelings? Is it the financial need or the sexual desire that drive such people or your own partner to cheat on while being in a “committed and serious relationship “? No one could end up with the same answer, and no one would tell why such an above-mentioned partner would break up/ give up the relationship all of a sudden if their secrets where still hidden, and their moves are still unpredictable? What you need to know is that such a thing often occurs, and you might experience one, too. Just have less expectations and always give less trust, so it would be less painful.

Furthermore, there is another kind of partners who might find themselves tied up with no wish to set themselves free. This dilemma occurs when one of the partners finds out that their “so- called soulmates’ is somehow cheating or dating another one. They will be haunted on their own mind whether to tell and end up alone or to go on and stay a part of the fake chain. How one will react is not what concerns, but how toxic and stressful it is for them is what concerns the most. Finding out that they are in a toxic relationship is not something bearable for all. And their dilemma occurs the moment they start justifying for their partner’s misbehavior and mistrust. It is the time when they will be losing their soul, dignity, and charm. Trying to justify their partners misdoings will drag them down to a point where they can’t handle anymore. People in such a relationship will lose their power and strength just to find answers. The answers they think might help them to be content with themselves. They burn inside, but they keep looking for their partners value and appreciation. They do their best to maintain that toxic relationship, but for how long will they bear, and would they really be as loving and caring as they have been? People think and react differently, so no one could come up with a firm, specific answer. Thus, when one cares less about themselves, and has fallen in this “why / how trap”, then they have been haunted and stuck in the middle of nowhere, and they are welcome to the “blackhole of thoughts”.

What is more is that life has a lot of “students of social learning “who are already ready to put on the mask and start to play the play that pleases you for sure. This kind of partners will be leading a double life; the one you know and love, and the one you have no idea of, and you might like or dislike or you might compromise for the sake of those you have loved. Imagine yourself in a relationship with one you have thought you had known almost everything about them, and suddenly you get to know that you have been manipulated and a part of their play. How frustrated will you be? People lead a double life to disguise themselves and who they really are. Some of them try to live the normal life they long for, and for some others it is just another way of making a living. We are not here to judge whether it is morally acceptable or not. What we stress here is on the hurt, pain, discomfort, and disappointment that the other partner will get when they get to know that the one they love has been leading a double life- a totally different life. We love the partner because of the way they treat us, love us, care about us, and when we discover the second life they have, we will only be asking ourselves the same questions; why, how, when. Was that bond real or was it all a lie? Why would people waste their time with other people in a fake bond? What was the motive? And why only me? Finding out that you are in a toxic relationship is not a problem, but justifying for your partner’s misbehavior, double life, lies, and mistrust is the problem for sure. It is the thing that will drag your soul and dignity through mud. Remember that your toxic partners will not let you leave peacefully as you might expect because only normal people do so, and they are not for sure.

However, people are not that good, innocent, and kind as we expect them to be unless they prove to be otherwise. Following this motto will to some extent help to evaluate the people we encounter - including our soulmates. What we should be afraid of is the “gaslighting trap”, and it will only take place when we “idealize and give our partners unconditional love.” Like the drug overdose does, the love overdose could either spoil your partner or sweep them away and end up suffering alone. Thus, don’t let them drag you into a war where you only lose yourself, time, happiness and the value of life! Predators won’t leave their preys unless they are fully full or their preys are fully eaten! Don’t give those toxic partners the chance to feed on you. You should know when to say no, enough, and go on with your own life. “A tiger cannot change its strips, so don’t even try to change those people whom you loved because you will lose yourself trying so.

In short, in most toxic relationships, people will end up having contradictory feelings; love and hate. Would be asking themselves; Is this the one I have been spending a long time with? Is it the one I have been planning to spend the rest of my life with? And when such a thing occurs, remember to embrace yourself and value your own worth. We need to have less expectations, so we won’t suffer a lot. Once you think you are the strongest, undefeated, smartest, and unbreakable, you will get an unforgettable life lesson to bring you back to earth- the real earth, and to get you to know how weak, stupid, and fragile you are, and to move on with your life after being in a toxic relationship will not be as easy as before. Some people need closures to go on, while others need “a less hurtful/ merciful ending as a salute to the long time couples spent together. A closure will not be enough for some people; your soul needs much comfort to get the sense of yourself back. The work, stress, surrounding, and your own priorities will make the decision about how long it will take you to recover, not your own wish to recover fast that will do. What you should get to know is that the recovering process has lot of relapses, and you have to keep moving on however and whatever it costs. Good things lie ahead of you; you have to fight enough to encounter, and enjoy them. Remember; in the short run you will look at yourself at a distance and say; “Wow, I have been a survivor and a real fighter.” That day you won’t remember the pain you had been through, but the people who had been sticking up by your side and patiently giving the shoulders because not everyone can be that patient for that long time you needed.

I have got to believe that people should be dealt with as being bad, unless they see how they really are by their good deeds, not nice words. In short, regardless of how frustrated, hurt, lonely and ignored you feel after having a failed, toxic relationship, you still have many more battles to fight. Thus, brash it off, and pull yourself together to be ready for what lies ahead of you. Also, remember to give whatever affordable, and just keep two things away; the heart and the true feelings. The former could be compensated and made up easily; the latter will take you ages to repair the fatigue and fill the void. What we should learn is that we should never be stuck, and that life “goes on as if never ends.” So, this article is actually for the ghost we all have not really known or discovered in our partners, not the fake human part we mistakenly loved.

Written by: Malik al-Rabiey

31-12-2021