The other day, I was watching a movie in a theater with some friends. It was supposed to be a comedy, but I couldn’t stomach a laugh. If I hadn’t gone with a couple of friends, I would have already been in another theater by this point. Especially a movie like this, one that would have been better to rent than pay a million dollars to see. It’s getting down right expensive to see a movie nowadays. After you factor in the pop, candy, and the price of your ticket, you almost need to take out a second mortgage. Anyway, I’m not really into the movie, and I can’t leave. I start biting my lip because I have a bad habit which drives my friends crazy. All of a sudden, I hear a familiar sound; a guy two rows down has the same condition as myself. My dimples take form for the first time this evening. The guy two rows down is a movie talker.

For those of you who are not familiar with my condition, let me showcase some of our best characteristics. They’re three kinds of movie talkers. Sometimes it is possible for a person to have all three of these traits but usually a movie talker is one of the three.

The first kind of movie talker is what I will call the Good Buddy. Don’t be deceived, this kind of movie talker is definitely not. The Good Buddy likes to talk to the characters on the screen like they are friends. They may say things like, "Don’t go into that room! Someone is waiting on the other side of the door--they’re going to kill you!!" This individual will inadvertently unfold the plot of the movie. It is important to remember that the Good Buddy does not always realize what they are doing. Whether or not the Good Buddy has previously seen the movie, is not necessarily a prerequisite for their movie talking. Unfortunately, whether they are right or wrong regarding the films outcome, does not change the fact that they are still talking during the movie.

The next kind of movie talker might think they have a sixth sense for unraveling a great mystery, but really they are nothing more than someone who points out the already known. I call this movie talker...Captain Obvious. Captain Obvious’ special power only appears in predictable movies. Captain Obvious might say things like, "Did you see that jump?" Which movie do you think we’re watching here captain? Or, "That’s the guy from earlier, remember he was in the background when so and so died." Although Captain Obvious may seem like a pretty annoying movie talker, there is one more movie talker who is far worse.

The award for the most annoying movie talker goes to...Speechless. Ironically, they are anything but. This movie talker goes on and on, and on, and on like an old warped record. They talk about unrelated subjects during the movie regardless of whether they have seen the movie or not. Speechless may not know why they came to the movie with you in the first place. If you ask them, Speechless will probably say, "I don’t know because you were going." They may just want to spend time with you and talk out their day, what they saw earlier, or something about the show--that reminded them of something they saw earlier. Speechless will continue to talk oblivious to the fact that you are trying to watch a movie. If you try and ignore them hoping it will send a message for silence, Speechless will continue to talk and even ask if you are paying attention. Speechless is not a bad person which makes them the worst kind of movie talker. They just have an innocence that makes them oblivious to what’s going on around them. If you tell them to shut up because you are watching a movie, then they will almost always get a doughy eyed expression like you just kicked their puppy.

Nowadays, the average movie talker is silenced at home by the technology designed to make our lives easier. We have the aging v.c.r, the everyday d.v.d player, and the newcomer d.v.r. These three devices are prepackaged with a pause, stop, rewind, and fast forward button. Unfortunately, movie theaters do not have such a luxury. Aside from creating a movie theater specifically designed for each of these movie talkers, the only real thing anyone can do is keep suspected movie talkers at home.

Or, is there?

In May of 2007 Regal Entertainment Group unleashed a new device aimed at silencing the movie talker. The hand-held device is issued to select moviegoers with a direct link to management. The four button remote control can alert management of a problem with the picture, poor sound quality, movie talking, or an act of piracy. Although this device was controversial when it was first released, it has paid for itself many times over through the satisfied customers who get a chance to see and hear the movie they’ve paid for.

Keeping my movie talking to a minimum until next time...