For reasons no-one has ever been able to explain satisfactorily, the rest of the world plays football, but not as we know it. So we don’t get confused, we persuaded them to call this game "soccer". That’s one of the perks of American world power. We can tell foreigners to change the name of their national games and they agree to keep the peace. As an interesting aside, no American men are very good at the game and the US team usually gets knocked out of international competitions early. But the US Women’s Team is ranked number 1 in the world. So men play the real football and only women play soccer. . . Anyway, in England, they have this star player. He’s called Wayne Rooney — no relation to the old movie star — and he plays up front and generally kicks the ball or hits it with his head. It seems the ball usually goes where he wants it to which makes him something of a hero. The point of all this is that he has hair coming out of his chest like a rug. The beard is spectacular and, increasingly, his head is bald.

These world soccer types count the number of goals scored by each player, recording whether they last make contact with the ball with their foot, their head or some other part of the body other than the hand. Only Argentinean and French players like Maradona and Thierry Henry are allowed to swat the ball into the net with their hands — it’s a special World Cup Rule brought in to allow the rest of the world to score goals against the British and Irish who are lumped together for these sporting purposes. Sorry, back to Rooney. Since he started losing his hair, he has become a prolific scorer of goals using his head. This sudden improvement in his scoring ability is due to the absence of hair. As in pool, a real US game, combination shots work because both balls are hairless. So with Rooney, his bald head makes a good clean contact with the ball. There’s no grease or dandruff to knock the ball off its trajectory. He has turned his baldness into an asset. He is now proud to be photographed, pausing only to wipe away the marks left by the ball.

In this, it has to be admitted Rooney is probably making a virtue out of necessity. Using your head is a vital part of the game and it would be rather obvious if any player was wearing a wig. In PR terms, it’s rather like someone carrying too much body weight saying they have big bones. Rooney’s, "I score more goals now I have lost my hair. . ." Well, that’s doubtful — a mere quirk of the statistics that’s likely to disappear as the years pass by. What is equally interesting is this young man’s decision not to try propecia. Here he is, a star of the game of soccer and earning quite large sums of money. He has people who groom him and offer advice. We wonder why he never tried to prevent the baldness. It must have been tempting. There are no drug rules that would lead to him being banned. Propecia has an excellent record and almost all men with male pattern baldness who begin treatment early enough find the hair loss stops and often regrows. It’s refreshing to find a young man who literally seems not to care. He’s bald now and feels good about it. For everyone else, there’s propecia.