When kids fight they are usually displaying learned behavior, since they learn to behave by watching those around them. Parents who argue are more likely to have children who argue. Younger children also learn from older siblings. If older siblings are allowed to fight then younger children will fight also.

When toddlers start to become aware, they begin to assert themselves. Sometimes this behavior can lead to actions that are not socially acceptable. They will grab for toys, take toys that are not theirs and occasionally hit others in an effort to get what they want. This conduct should not be encouraged and if possible stopped at an early age.

Children at different times in their lives will have to learn how to deal with problems and difficulties. By teaching your child early that aggressive behavior is not acceptable you will be providing a good foundation for your child.

Young children (2-3) are usually not emotionally ready for a discussion on why it is wrong to hit others. Children of this age should be told that hitting is unacceptable and if needed placed in a "time out" situation. By using a Time Out you will be teaching the child that hitting others has consequences.

By the time a child reaches elementary school they are old enough to understand what violence is and why it is unacceptable. Regardless of their understanding, children will occasionally get into fights. It is important to allow your child to explain the situation prior to being punished. By allowing your child to tell you their version of how the fight began it will help you to explain the situation and perhaps how a fight may have been avoided.

Talking to your child early about how to avoid a fight, what to do if a fight breaks out and who they can turn to if you are not around will help your child take the right action. In some locations intervention programs are available. Call your child’s school and talk with your child’s teacher or guidance counselor.

Unfortunately not all parents hold the same views as others when it comes to aggressive behavior. For some families fighting is a normal part of personal interaction and is actually admired. Children learn what they live and what they are exposed to. Those kids who have parents or older siblings who fight will naturally learn fight.

When kids fight one must consider what they have learned at home. If you are the parent you may be seeing the effect your behavior has on your child. Remember as parents, we are our child’s first teacher.

The poem "Children Learn What They Live" from the book Children Learn What They Live ©1998 by Dorothy Law Nolte and Rachel Harris makes some eloquent and thought-provoking points:

"If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight…"

On the other hand,

…If children live with tolerance, they learn patience…" and

"…If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live…"

What is your child living with?