Chapter 1 – What Is Conflict?

"I can’t stand it when you do that."

"That’s my parking space, I was here first."

"It’s just not fair; the boss always presents my ideas as his."

These are some of the things we say when conflict erupts in our business and personal lives. But exactly what is conflict, and how can we know if we are involved in a conflict or just a minor disagreement?

When I start one of my live conflict resolution workshops, I always begin by challenging the class to define conflict. There are many definitions proposed because conflict can mean entirely different things to different people.

I’ve concluded that all of the definitions are right because what feels like conflict to one person may mean nothing or be a mere minor annoyance to another person.

Because conflict can be caused by completely different things and perceived differently by different people, I have also concluded that if you think you are having conflict, then you are. If you think you are not having conflict, then you are not.

Whether conflict exists or not is entirely up to the perception of the parties involved. This is why one person can be angry with another person and the person who is the subject of the anger is completely oblivious. This difference in perceptions is why someone can say "but I didn’t do anything wrong" and really mean it. What is conflict to one person may mean nothing to another person.

Here’s my definition of conflict:

You know it when you see it. If you think you are having conflict, then you are.

To illustrate how this can work, let’s take the example of competition for a parking space. It is the Friday after Thanksgiving and the parking lot at the mall is completely packed with dozens of cars circling looking for an empty parking space.

Jose and Bill have both been driving around the packed lot for twenty minutes looking for a parking spot. They both see an empty space at the same time and head for it. Bill gets there slightly before Jose and slips into it with a fraction of a second to spare. It’s so close that Jose has to slam on his brakes to avoid hitting Bill as he turns into the parking spot.

Is this conflict? It depends on whether Bill and/ or Jose think it is.

Let’s examine the three possible outcomes:

1.Bill thinks that it is a conflict and Jose does not. Jose will think to himself, "Oh well, looks like someone else got here first", and continue his search for a parking space.

2. Jose thinks that it is a conflict and Bill does not. Jose will get out of his car and challenge Bill, and Bill will think to himself, "it’s no big deal, I’ll find another space". Then he will back out and give the space to Jose.

3. Both Bill and Jose perceive it as being a conflict. Because both parties perceive it, a conflict now exists. Both will get out of their cars and challenge each other verbally and possibly physically. The likely outcome of the conflict depends on personalities as well as many other facts that we will learn about later in this conflict resolution handbook.

Remember… in any given situation it’s up to you do decide whether a conflict exists or not.

Before you move on to the next chapter, stop and answer this question: What constitutes a conflict for you?

To learn more about conflict resolution, download my free 10-Day Conflict Resolution Email Series at Conflict Resolution Tools.

(This article copyright 2010 and may be used with full credit given to author.)