Here are twelve beauty tips that are guaranteed to work, if you follow them all. There's no point eating fresh fruit and vegetables, and then smoking like a chimney!

1. Moisturise.

This is a misnomer, you can't actually put water in your skin.

You can, however, oil it up (like leather!), and trap water next

to the skin.

After every wash, put an inert oil on your face. Johnson's Baby

Oil is good. Put it especially on your laughter-lines (around

the eyes), your forehead, around the mouth and on the neck.

You don't need expensive ointments; independent studies show

these are a con.

2. Eat Good Food.

Eat plenty of fruit, fish and vegetables, drink water. A healthy

diet makes for a healthy body, and health makes you look younger.

3. Sleep.

MOST IMPORTANT.

At least eight hours. A good night's kip will make you look

years younger.

Go to bed before midnight, as early as possible. You've had

enough when you bound out of bed in the morning, full of energy.

If you don't, you need more, or you're depressed, or you went to

bed after midnight.

Lack of sleep is very aging. If you don't get enough sleep you

look haggard i.e. old. Sleep deprivation is akin to being a

zombie; your IQ is less, memory poorer, and your reactions

slower. You become more prone to disease.

4. Don't Smoke.

Smoking constricts the capillaries in your face. This is why

smokers look pale. It ages the skin. It makes your hair lank.

A smoker is essentially in a constant state of ill-health;

weaker immune system, less energy, less stamina. In time smoking

can lead to serious disease. It lenghtens recovery time from

other diseases. Doctors tend to write-off smokers; they know

their work is being wasted.

Cigarettes contain poisons like formaldehyde, ammonia, arsenic,

and benzene. The reason people crave them is because they also

contain nicotine, which is more addictive than heroin. You can

kick heroin in five days; nicotine can take weeks.

5. Don't Drink Alcohol.

Again, alcohol is a poison. Drunkenness is a mild form of

poisoning; hence its alternative name: intoxication.

I once knew some Australian girls when I first came to in

London. They used to 'party hearty'. One of them was very

pretty. After 6 months she looked like she'd aged fifteen years;

20 going on 35.

When I was very young I used to wonder why adults looked so old,

tired and fed up. Certainly life has its disappointments, but we

help death mark our card early on.

6. Don't Sunbathe.

In neolithic times men used to cure animal hides by exposing

them to the sun. This was the earliest form of tanning; they

were making leather.

This is what's happening to sunbather's skin. That's why 35

year-old sunbathers look 45, and 45 year-old sunbathers have

skin the texture of a leather armchair.

Sitting in the sun for hours is weak-minded. Look at the great

beauties, the older ones. They kept well out of the sun; their

skin is milky white. You don't see their sisters in magazines,

who, for a season's healthy glow, sacrificed their looks forever.

7. Don't Dye Or Bleach Your Hair.

Unless your hair is grey or mousey, leave off putting chemicals

on it. If you are healthy, your hair will reflect this.

Bleaching is bad for your hair, and you may damage the

follicles. If the dye doesn't suit your skin tone, it won't make

you look good anyway.

8. Don't Wear Formal Clothes.

Dress younger, look younger!

9. Don't Wear A Beard Or Mustache, Or Long Hair (for men).

If your hair is thinning and long, or you have a beard or

mustache, you'll look older by ten years. Conversely, a short

hair-cut and a clean-shaven face takes years off you. Cut off

your sideburns; voila! instant youth.

10. Don't Have Cosmetic Surgery.

This is a trap. Because a man has M.D. after his name doesn't

mean he has the skill of a Michelangelo or Da Vinci. That's what

you need to remodel a human face.

Why? Because our perceptions of human beauty rely on very subtle

clues in another's face; small lines, dimples, contours,

expressions.

A cosmetic surgeon cuts these out, and you are left with a mask.

You lose some of your personality. You become a type; a

Hollywood social x-ray, a waxen-faced thing. Don't do it, girls!

We are not machines; cut us, take a part out, replace it, and we

are never quite the same again.

11. Don't Over-diet, Over-exercise.

This makes you look scrawny and haggard. A slightly fleshy face

looks younger; the wrinkles fill out a bit.

A bit of exercise gets the blood flowing, and reminds your

muscles they exist. Too much intense exercise (more than two

hours a day), a low carbohydrate diet, and you look haggard;

worn out, old, under par.

12. Don't Worry!

If you have problems, resolve to deal with them, or deliberately

avoid them; but decide, and then put them out of your mind.

Stress and worry make you haggard, and pre-dispose you to

disease. They keep you awake at night, and ruin the quality of

your sleep.

Meditate. Resolve your problems before you go to sleep at night.

Observe your thoughts and emotions dispassionately. You may be

surprised to find how crazy most are!

In short, youth is a combination of factors; one cream or regime

won't do. Address your entire person, body and mind.

Here's to your good health!