Don’t you just love Love Month? This is it, one-week left to Valentine’s Day. Are you a VDay lover? You don’t have to be! I get how commercialized and gross the holiday gets. Non-the-less, I love the concept and prettiness of it, so I indulge and invite others to do so as well. What do we have to lose by being more Love Aware? In the spirit of Being Loving, here is a little love nugget for you, for experiencing more Self-Love...

I’m sure it comes to no surprise to you that the people who are the hardest to please, who are very critical, judgy and demanding of others are also that way with themselves. Not much Self-Love there. Hey, this might be you, this might be your partner. I know, I’ve dealt with this part of myself. And boy, what not a pretty side that is…

This brings me to today’s issue, Part2 in our 3-Part Series on Enhancing Love in Your Relationship:

Part2 – To love your partner, first love yourself…

That part creates a negative and lack state of being that doesn’t serve anyone… For starters, it won’t help us get more of what we were trying to get. It is literately repulsive energy. We push others away when we operate this way…

But most importantly, we are the ones that have to sit in those nasty juices when we engage that part. It doesn’t feel so good. We trigger parts of the brain that generate anxiety, depression, anger, etc. When we experience those feelings, we can’t be in a loving state… We are very far off from the place that generates the good feelings, and that allows for being Loving…

It’s even worse when we are the target of our own demandingness, criticism, and hatred. The beatings that we might give ourselves are just downright obnoxious. Have you payed attention to your inner dialogue when you are in one of these moods?

For some, this is so habitual that this is the only thing they know, and it’s their most prevalent state of being. My heart goes out to them as I understand how challenging and painful it is to live in this state. I’m a recovering self-beater myself. LOL

Isn’t this such a hard way to live in our own head? This conjures a picture of a home filled with garbage, poor lighting, vines crawling up the walls, and barbwires popping up here and there… Definitely, not pretty, safe or joyful…

What does this mean? This means our job is first and foremost to stop being mean to ourselves. This means learning self-compassion and being gentle with ourselves in our thoughts and actions. This means stopping the beating self-talk as soon as it’s recognized. This means not entertaining our scripts. This means not having outrageous daily agendas and to-do lists. This means not setting ridiculous deadlines. This means not overcommitting ourselves. This means not overbooking ourselves, our family and our children.

This means taking it easier. This means taking it easier more. This means allowing lazy time. This means showing up for ourselves. This means setting healthy boundaries. This means asking for help and allowing support. This means showing vulnerability. This means embracing a rich self-care practice. This means being loving toward ourselves as much as we can muster it… What!? What a concept… (sarcasm)

Once you allow yourself to even consider the possibility of this…, you automatically start shifting your state, and feeling better! Tada! It is that simple… Crazy, I know. But the key, is to do this consistently with the goal of rewiring yourself… The initial goal is to learn to stop your mean side on its tracks. The more advanced goal is to be a recovering self-beater. (jk)

The more advanced goal is to rewire yourself so being nice, gentle and compassionate toward yourself becomes more second nature. So, you don’t have to be so vigilant. So, you don’t have to monitor and tweak so much. All of it becomes so ingrained that it becomes more of who you are…

Actually, embracing this concept sheds this defense mechanism and terrible habit and sabotaging wiring allowing your truer Self to shine through… Focusing on letting go of the noise, clearing the nonsense, and replacing it with kindness and compassion creates a fertile ground for your dormant real Self to awaken…

When we seek this, when we allow this, when we embrace and encourage this, is when our state feels amazing. This is when we trigger the feel-good parts of our brain… This is when we engage the compassion, gratitude, happy and connection center of the brain… This is when we can show up with Love. This is when we can be our Loving Self. This is when our true nature radiates through, this is when we are Love.

And, so from this place we can really Love and show love to our partner… This is at the crux of it all… Don’t be sucked into "doing" love for Valentine’s Day, or in general, in your relationship. Do be sucked into Being and Giving Love instead.

ASSIGNMENT: Make a list of all the different ways you are mean to yourself. Start with the very practical and obvious in how you run your days and your life. Leave the stuff inside your head as part 2… Be as thorough and inclusive as possible. Grab it all. Including things like, buying a gazillion gifts for Christmas and staying up very late for a week to wrap them all…

Look at your list and pick 3 items you currently do that you commit to addressing this month and commit to no longer doing…

Be really nice and loving to yourself by not shaming or beating on yourself for your list!

Be really nice and loving to yourself by meaning business and gently but committedly addressing your 3 items to eradicate them from your lifestyle.

Wishing you much gentleness, compassion and love. Wishing you a very Loving week leading up to VDAY, and of course every day from now till forever.

Stay tuned for next week’s issue, Part3 of this 3-Part Series on Enhancing Love in Your Relationship!

Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.

Happy Loving!

P.S. As always, we are here for you! If you need more support to creating your successful and meaningful life, we are here to help. I’d be honored to speak with you about how we can help you. Schedule a Get Acquainted Call to connect, and discuss how we can help you and how to get started. Look forward to Connecting with you!

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P.S.S.S. Share Your Thoughts & Successes in the comment box at the end! Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community! Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship™ Family!

Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.