How long has it been since you've had a girlfriend? Whatever the case is, it's much too long. Today, after reading this guide, this will change.

First of all, I will tell you what this guide is not. This guide is not about how to get laid, Casanova; we are talking about a girlfriend that sticks around longer than just one night. This guide is also not meant to teach you how to salvage your already messed up relationship, although some of the lessons taught here may help you out there, bud.

The most important thing is forget about your stupid, absolutely wrong idea that your girlfriend should find out who you are on your first date. It is absolutely moronic to think like that, so NO you are NOT going to show her who you are. You will show her who she wants to see. Ok? If you disagree then stop reading here and forget about ever having a girlfriend. You will spend the rest of your life raiding dungeons with your guildies.

Let's start with you.

Learn about the world you live in and forget about the world your level 70 mage lives in. Your girlfriend will be scared off if you tell her that you stayed up until 5am running that 25 man raid. In fact don't mention anything about your favorite video game. Learn about the political issues, what's going on in the world, even the weather, and get some personal opinions about these, pick a candidate and know why you picked him, or whatever the political issue is. It is better for you to believe something different than she believes than not to have an opinion or even worse not knowing anything about that issue. Some common issues popular during the writing of this guide are abortion, gay marriage, presidential nominee, housing market, economy, North American Union(NAFTA) and several world issues such as hunger, oil, and others. Get opinions about all of these and decide not just whether you are anti-abortion but also why you believe that this is the right way, find out the oppositions arguments and learn to defend against those too. She needs to know that you have a head on your shoulders.

Learn to be funny. Start with the jokes on ComedyCentral.com and watch the Comedy Central channel. There are a bazillion websites, movies, etc. for you to pick up new material from. Now this is a difficult part because what you may think is funny, may not be funny to someone else, i.e. your new perspective girlfriend. So tell your friends, family, even random people on the street/mall if you're brave enough and see if they laugh or sit there with a blank stare. If most people laugh then you should be okay. Also avoid racy jokes, i.e. blond, black, gross, overly sexual, etc. If you can get away with telling it to your mother or grandmother or some other prude in your family then you should be all right.

Get cleaned up. Now I'm not saying go shave if your beard is a part of you. If your buddies don't make fun of you because you look like a dill weed with your semi-beard that looks like you are a 13 year old trying to pass for 18 then keep it. What I mean by clean up is wash your clothes and NO your luck will not go away if you wash your gross baseball cap; ditto with your tidy whiteys and socks. Wash it all with detergent and if it's supposed to be white then add some bleach to it. Get some cologne, and if you are trying to tell me that you already have some then I will soccer punch you. Don't wear the cologne because you like how it smells, or how it looks, or you think it has a cool name, or the one that your mother/aunt/grandma/dad/etc gave to you. Get the one that she thinks smells good. A great place to start is Macy's (some of you still call it Bon Marche, or The Bon) they have a huge selection and ask one of the girls, I repeat girls, there to help you pick one out. A couple that you can't go wrong with is Fierce by Abercrombie and Fitch or Acqua Di Gio by Giorgio Armani. Another tip here is do maybe 2 sprays on your shirt and a half a spray on the front tip of your neck; NEVER spray it under your armpits, sweat and cologne mixed DO NOT smell good. Finally, never substitute cologne for a shower; cologne wears off your stench doesn't.

Next is your environment.

Dude if you are 18 or older and you're still living with mom and dad then you are a loser. I don't care about your situation, that you're going to college and that saves you money, whatever…you are a duesh bag. Get a roommate and rent an apartment. Or if you can afford it buy a home and get roommates. Roommates can be a good thing, when you take your girl to your place and you have somewhat normal roommates she will probably feel more comfortable there than if you live alone; this is true until you're 30 years old or older, by then it is better if you live solo. Keep your pad clean, get on your roommates to clean up the crap that their dog left a week ago in your yard. Keep your yard mowed and green. Clean up the dishes and dirty clothes that are lying around. Have a big screen TV, or at least a TV bigger than 13 inches and a Playstation/Xbox/Nintendo. Remember you are a normal guy so get rid of that Atari, except for you and your nerdy friends, no one thinks that an Atari is cool. Your couches should be decent too, leather is nice but anything that doesn't make you feel dirty by sitting there will work. Put up posters around the living room of your favorite stuff and please make sure it's not a poster of the newest version of Redhat Linux; gangster characters, hot chicks, and favorite movies work well.

Your room needs to be clean too, decorate as you like just don't go too nuts about posting your next W.O.W. character's talent builds or the armor/weapon you want to get. Tone it down with the nerdy stuff. Also make sure your bed is at least a twin size, although a king/queen is better. A single will just not do, your idiotic argument that it will help you cuddle is just that, idiotic. Your comforter cover should be something decent too, the one your mom gave you that has the pink flowers on it is a bad deal, burn it. If you're into weird crap like hacking computers, slicing your wrists, etc. get rid of any signs of that…by the way if you're really into slicing your wrists a girlfriend right now is a bad idea, check yourself into a mental hospital first. Finally make sure your place doesn't smell like dog poo. It's probably not good if it smells like flowers either, but it's better that than dog poo. Fabreeze is your friend here; fabreeze the crap out of all your furniture, clothes, roommates, etc.

Your friends/roommates, unfortunately, are something your girlfriend is going to use to learn more about who you are. So tell your friends to stop acting like turds and stop telling her stupid, boring, or scary crap about you. If she finds out that you are being hunted down by the FBI for hacking into their database then you can forget about any chance you might have with her, she'll bail for the door faster than you can blink. Also make sure your friends notice her, are nice to her, but that's it; if your friends are likely to stare at her tits all night long then you're in trouble. It also helps you out if those friends have their own girlfriends.

Your car needs to be clean inside and out. No fowl smells, new car scent usually works well, even if you're rolling around in a 1960 Gremlin. Bumper stickers are ok and are usually preferred unless you drive a nice car such as a Beamer. It doesn't cost that much to fix the spider web crack in your windshield, so go do it. Also you must have a car of some kind, if you're some kind of a nature freak that only rides a bike then ok, but still have a car that runs so you can take her to dinner instead of having her pick you up.

Now we will cover where to look for her.

Ok, right off the bat, forget about picking up your girlfriend from the bar, strip club, whore house, etc. You will NOT pick up girlfriend material here...no, shut up, I don't care about your or your friend's last girlfriend and where you/he found her. A bar only has whore material or girls that are there to get a free drink from you.

Have your roommate's girlfriend/sister/your friends introduce you to a girl. Let these people know that you are on the prowl. This is probably the easiest way to get a girlfriend as you have someone vouching for you, "...I know this guy, he's pretty cool, you should meet him..." type of thing gives you an advantage because she trusts the person vouching for you so that automatically translates to her having a small trust in you.

Join a church, more specifically a church youth group, small group etc. HOWEVER join it because you are sincerely interested in the church/group. This one will take time before you find the right group/girl, and even more time before you can start making a move on your new found perspective girlfriend. If you make a move too early here, she will think that you joined the group for the wrong reasons. If you join a group that you hate she will notice that you are not involved in any discussions and will see you for the weasel that you are.

As weird and boring as it can be, one of the best places to meet girlfriend material is at operas or Shakespearian type plays. Just make sure that you arrive early so you can "mingle" before the play. This works really well if you can get another guy AND girl to go with you.

Sports activities such as football, baseball, basketball, soccer and other games are another good place although less likely that you will have time to build any kind of relationship here as a decent girl may need two or three exposures to you before phone numbers can be exchanged; although if she comes to most of a particular team's games and usually sits in the same area than you have a chance.

Go to all BBQ's, parties and weddings. These are great places to meet decent chicks. Even if this is a family function, it is common for your family members to bring a friend to such an event and as long as you and this cousin or whatever are on good terms you have an easy in with this friend.

More recently meeting people online is the new thing to do. I would recommend this as a last resort because as there are stories of happy endings with these things, it is more common that you will be 1) be forced to deal with insane amounts of spam and 2) that your "perfect match" turns out to be some kind of a psycho/stalker/etc.

Now we will cover making contact with your potential girl.

The first rule of thumb when trying to grab a girl is that you can NOT come across as easy. Where ever this place is, it is crucial that she thinks that she has to put some effort into "getting you"; that you are a wild Bronx and she has to break you in order for her to make you into a proper man. If you don't she has zero interest in you/ bored. That means that you have to be constantly talking to other girls, yes show her attention, but only a little bit more than the other girls at this place. Make the other girls laugh, but also make her laugh. Finish her off about how dang cute her hair looks. That's it. One compliment, hair is usually a good one. If hair is an obvious "no go" (dreadlocks, bald, etc) then compliment her perfume; but again keep to one compliment. Smile to her across the room, but don't stare. If she glances in your direction, look at her, smile and go back to your conversation. If things are successful then phone numbers are exchanged the first time you see her. Be bold about asking her for her phone number if you received any signs that she's interested in you (if she glances at you from across the room and smiles...that's a GREAT sign). If she didn't respond the first time you see her, don't give up yet. Next time you see her, follow the same procedure, have new jokes, be funny/interesting/etc. It is quite common that your cousin or whoever calls you and tells you that this girl wants you to have her number or she might call you personally.

Finally we will cover your first date.

Once phone numbers have been exchanged, the next day YOU call her ONE time. Let me repeat that for you. YOU CALL HER ONLY ONE TIME. Her machine did record the message, you did not forget to say anything, and she does have caller ID. If she doesn't call you back that day wait 2 more days before calling back ONE MORE TIME. If no response again then DO NOT CALL HER AGAIN!!! Wait to meet her in person again. Message should be sweet and to the point "...hey I was thinking dinner and a movie Friday or Saturday, would love for you to be my date, let me know if you can fit me into your schedule, my number is xxx-xxxx..." that's all you need to say.

You pay for EVERYTHING and tip well. Don't open the door to your car for her unless you don't have automatic locks. You DO open the door for her to every building such as theater, restaurant, and if you're lucky your pad. Make sure that you have reservations for the restaurant, even if you're taking her to some cheap place like Olive Garden, an hour wait is a HUGE mood kill. If she drinks you should drink too, if you're not sure ask her. Just don't get drunk; one glass of wine, one beer, OR one mixed drink. Remember you're driving, she should feel safe with you. If you are an alcoholic and you manage to get drunk on your first date, first of all you are a total moron and you can forget about a second date, but second you might be able to salvage it if you at least pay for a taxi home.

That's it. From now on you're on your own. If you didn't get laid your first night then that's even better, remember you're here for the long haul and there will be plenty of opportunities to experience her later. I'll leave you with one last tip. Confidence is the single most determining factor in your success with relationships. If you don't have a lot of it there are a few things you can do. Right away hit the gym, and go EVERY DAY. Forget about this 3 times a week crap. Monday through Friday you're in the gym for at least one hour. Pick one muscle group for each day. Next thing, enroll in a debate class at your high school or college. The more of a conversationalist you are, the better at arguing or being a smart ass you are, the more confident you will be. Play a sport/join a team; and no bowling and chess are not considered sports. Finally keep trying until you succeed, just because the first girl turned out to be a disaster keep trying...even if this is your tenth time, still keep trying. The more you do it the better you become at it. Good luck in your endeavors…and next time I see you, I hope that there will be some cutie hanging on to your arm.