I have a confession to make. I am not sure to whom I am making this confession. I guess I am just admitting it out loud. I have been drowning my loneliness in wine and martinis. I did not realize I was doing this. I thought I was just having fun, socializing, meeting new people. That is how it started.

Here it is. Another night and the emptiness is choking me. It is 9:30. I don’t mind the quiet during the day. I enjoy it. I keep busy. But something happens to me around this time, and I cannot stand being in this house alone another minute.

So I drive down the street, a short distance to the local scene. I have several places from which to choose where I know I will find companionship. I might catch some live music. I intend only to go for one drink, and before I realize, they are shutting down and I am taking a cab home. This happens too frequently.

Yet, for a few hours I am surrounded by people who are smiling, find me charming, make me laugh and I forget how unhappy I am. I am filled with all the hope and potential I started on this journey with while I am surrounded in that false sense of intimacy and friendship.

I am realizing this as the hour approaches. Tonight, I will sit with my loneliness. There are other ways to escape – Watch a movie, read a book, write a short story, call a friend, the possibilities are endless, and there is so much I could do.

I never minded being home at night when I was home with a husband and children. Even if they were out of town, or overnight at friends, I knew they lived there and would be home.

I am alone in this place. I am filed with memories and loss and I can’t stand it. I was looking forward to being alone. To getting clear, finding my next steps. What happened?

It snuck on me. I did not realize that I was escaping, hiding from the truth. The truth is I am scared to death. I am afraid that I will fail at being independent, at having the freedom to choose anything and enjoy the success I can create. I am afraid of success and I am afraid of failure and so I remain stuck in the oblivion of escape.

There has got to be a better way. In fact I know there is, that is what got me here in the first place. I can take control back. Tonight I will stay home and dwell in the possibilities, renew the hope I once had, and stop looking behind me. I have a whole life to create and I will start now.

Sadie Jackson, a fictional heroine, created by Cheri Valentine, is back on the dating scene for the third time. After two trial marriages, she is bound and determined to get it right. She can be nauseatingly optimistic and enjoys recounting her dating experiences with humor and compassion. Follow her dating escapades in this work of fiction.