Every couple, at some times, have relationship stresses. There is no getting away from that plain piece of truth. As we recognise that the 'perfect couple' doesn't exist, we can relax and then try and enhance/make better/repair our relationship with our own partner.

'Active Listening' is one of the keys to a good relationship. Coming from the idea that, "Communication is not over until both people, or parties, feel understood," it stresses being understood as a crucial factor.

What is not being said here, is that communication is over when both parties agree with each other. Most times this will not happen. No. We are saying that communication can be tremendously enhanced when both parties feel that the other understands them. Even if "agreeing to disagree" is the end product.

How is 'active listening' achieved? By a process whereby each partner reflects back to the other what they think they are hearing - or what they perceive the other partner is saying.

It is the facts and feelings in what was said that the listener tries to reflect back. After the listener has reflected these back to the speaker, the original speaker can then 'tweak' the response to make sure that the original listener really has grasped what the speaker was trying to communicate ie. the content and feelings of what was said.

It is worth remembering in all of this that the point of the exercise is not to get the listener necessarily agreeing with the speaker. Who knows if this will ever happen! The object of the exercise is to get the speaker to the place where they feel they have been understood correctly by the listener. Everyone knows what it feels like when we finally sense that someone understands us!

Let us take an example. Jim and Denise have a disagreement about the laundry. Denise: "I'm really frustrated and cross that you never undo your dirty socks but just take them off and pitch them into the laundry without unravelling them. Then I end up having to do it. I get very angry as I keep telling you and I feel upset that it makes no difference."

Jim: "So you're saying that you are really angry and upset with me because I don't unravel my socks?" Denise: "Yes, you're right about that. But also that I always end up having to do it." Jim: "And you get upset because if I don't do it, then in the end you do it." Denise: "You're right. I'll do it eventually."

In the example above, the end result of the active listening (the desired effect) is that Denise feels listened too and understood. Jim may even forget to unravel his socks again but Denise has verbalized to him how she feels about the situation and that he understands where she is coming from. She feels understood.

If active listening is reciprocated by the other partner too, then obviously a good two-way means of communication has been established. Both parties will feel understood. That is the ideal. And then the concept that communication is not over until both parties feel that they are understood has been successfully achieved.

Note also the use of "I" messages (rather than "You" accusations) where Denise recognises and 'owns' that she feels angry, frustrated, cross and upset (regardless what Jim - or anybody else - has done to cause that). An "I" message is an acknowledgment that ultimately we have to be responsible for our own feelings and actions, regardless what anyone else has done to precipitate them.

If Denise had accused Jim with a "You" message such as, "You make me so flaming angry because you never unravel your socks," the chances are that Jim would have got defensive. Would any of us behave different when accused like this? Almost certainly the response would be aggressive and the argument would then escalate.

Does all of this stuff about 'active listening' and "I" messages sound a load of theoretical claptrap? Then try it! Practice using 'active listening' with your partner by reflecting back to them the facts and feelings of what they are saying. it is not about being a parrot. It is about making sure that your partner feels understood because you have reflected back to them the content and emotions of what they are saying and feeling.

And if things go wrong and an argument breaks out? It is not too late to use 'active listening' and "I" messages after the event. When things have cooled down it is possible to recover ground, pick up the pieces and make amends . Better late than never - and it really will make a difference if your partner feels understood.

So there it is. Try it. And then try it again. And you will see that it works. And some of the tension, frustration and anger will drain from the relationship. And when you have tried it with your partner, then try it on the the boss, or the kids, the next door neighbour, the in-laws - in fact try it on anyone whom you would like to improve your communication skills with!