Hello everyone, I’m ___ (name) and I’m the best man, as they say, of this grand occasion. You see, ____ (groom) and I met, and decided to become friends since then, at a parking lot many years ago when we were both looking for a space and there was only one vacant. When he decided to give it to me, I knew right then he’s a good guy. And I was not wrong! He was a good guy indeed for giving me the parking space, and the job I have to go an interview for that day. And today, again, for choosing me as your best man, thank you for being so kindhearted.

However, you owe me one for this event – you have erased one of the single ladies on the top list by marrying the lovely _____ (bride), slimming my chance of discovery and be a family man myself. (pretend to sob). Joking aside, I am happy for you both. _____ (bride) I know, and everyone here knows, that you are such a lovely woman. We all know that you be a lovely wife to this handsome groom. So thank you for tying the knot with him and our very gracious apology by the way, for his romantic behaviors because you might have diabetes in the long run. Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you because I have said it so.

I would like to thank the bride’s and the groom’s parents for their support to our lovely couple. To our maid of honor and bridesmaids as well in helping our bride in preparing herself for this event, thank you. By the way, you all look fantastic! Thank you everyone for coming over despite the busy schedules and the distance some of you have to go through. Thanks also for those who prepared the food and the venue, it was superb!

Let me tell everyone that this guy right here (points groom) is such a weirdo. He gives the bank teller something to do by depositing money every payday. He never gives some housekeeper a job by not hiring them since his place is already clean and organized. He doesn’t pity his boss for always giving him salary because he always goes to work. And most especially, he gives the rabbi an additional person to counsel by going to church every Sunday morning. And of course, these two (points bride and groom) are accomplice in everything they do. What a waste! But seriously, you two will make an awesome couple, you bring out the best in each other. So the best of luck and best wishes may be with you both. Congratulations.

Everyone, join me please in a toast for _____ and _____ ‘s happy, contented married lives.