As statistics prove the majority of divorced people start a new family again. The problems of second marriages differ a lot from the difficulties that the newlyweds are faced with on their very first honeymoon.

Let's look at the most common case in our life: a woman is getting married for the second time, but she already has a child (possibly even more than one) from the first marriage. Before you make the decision about living together, you should take a couple of factors into consideration.

Are stepchildren an obstacle? As a rule, the relationship between the adults develops as follows: the mother takes the child to the grandparents or a babysitter while she enjoys her time with her beloved one. Sometimes they take a joint trip to the park, but these trips are a small percentage from the overall time spent together. After the three of them find themselves on one common territory, the order of things might change considerably. You should be especially mindful if the man does not have any kids of his own and therefore no experience with kids. A man does not always clearly comprehends that for example sex is now only going to happen after the kid is asleep (and Mom can spend a considerable amount of time and nerves on it), and the rest of the time the baby will freely travel around the house and stick his curious nose into everything that the adults are doing. Now you will only be able to stay alone with your thoughts in the bathroom, and even then there is no guarantee that the new wife’s offspring is not going to try and break in there as well.

A man has to change a lot of his habits, and a woman should not mislead him about that. It is unlikely that a man will be able to leave his laptop wherever he wants, this valuable thing may get drawn on or even broken, and if a child is older he or she can simply get curious about what’s inside. And even if nothing gets broken, it will not be that easy to get the child accustomed to the thought that there are certain things in the house now that should never be touched. After all Mom’s things belong to a slightly different category: of course there are Mom’s things that preferably should not be played with, but if anything Mom will always forgive, or she will just put it where it cannot be reached. It is a completely different matter when it comes to a strange uncle. He may not understand. And no matter how much he loves his wife, if he has bachelor’s life behind his back, it will be extremely difficult for him to adjust to the constant intervention into his private space. He will have to get used to hiding everything he does not want touched, and if he forgot to do that, he can’t get mad at doodles all over his daily planner or the fact that his brand new stylish leather gloves are part of a teddy bear’s outfit. A man will have to think twice before hugging his wife in front of the kid - the reaction can be different, varying from bawling to trying to be part of the hug.

You should not hide these details from a potential step Dad. However, you also won’t be able to explain everything with words. Women usually use the strategy where at first the new uncle is just a friend and then all of a sudden he is a potential Dad and practically overnight he is already living with Mom and kid. This strategy is usually used to spare the child’s feelings, but realistically it does not spare anyone’s feelings. For everyone involved such abrupt transition undoubtedly causes nothing but stress.

Is it possible to avoid stress? The answer is yes… if you do a "test-drive". This can be all three of you taking a vacation, regularly spending a weekend together with staying on the same territory, taking a trip together, and so on. Women often stay away from this option because they don’t know how to explain to the kid why Mom is sleeping now in the same bed with a strange uncle. But here you have to choose the lesser of the two evils, it will be much worse if after an abrupt transition the potential father will cave under the pressure of the unexpected new lifestyle and run away, and the child has gotten attached to him.

What about the biological Dad? The future of the new family also depends on how the biological father treats his child and to what extend he is involved in making the decisions regarding his offspring. It is most difficult when the father is very actively involved in a child's life. It is very rare that two men, the former husband and the new husband, are capable of coming to an understanding and getting along. Therefore the woman has to take on a role of the mediator.

She needs to help the new husband put up with the fact that the biological father helps her kid, whether it is financial investments or spending time with the child. At the same time she needs to let the new husband know that he also has the right to make decisions regarding the new family as a whole, including decisions about the kid.

If you don’t do this, then the new head of the family will be inevitably irritated that the majority of the family decisions regarding the child and the financial politics that comes with it is decided by someone else. And even if from the first glance it seems like the man does not care, sooner or later he will start thinking about his role in the family. Who is he? A person responsible for all the members of his family, or merely a legalized lover of the Mom?

When there are no grounds for a conflict and the biological dad very rarely shows up, the woman needs to let her husband know that a child depends on his decisions just as much as she does, and that a family is one whole. Dividing the relationship into my relationship with the child and my relationship with the husband is hopeless and has no future.

What about the relationship with the relatives? Now the man has a new mother- and father-in-law, and possibly even brothers- and sisters-in-law, as well as nieces and nephews. How are they going to treat him? Here a woman needs to be on her guard, because even if she does not allow herself the comparisons like "my ex-husband used to do it this way", there is no guarantee that her relatives will not do it. And we are talking out loud. Men are very sensitive to such comparisons.

At the beginning of the relationship all the problems should be solved by only the three of you. And only when everything is settled into a calm and steady routine, the woman can give her relatives access to the new family. No one is saying that they are bad and untactful, they are simply a live reminder about the past. And at the very beginning, there is no need for such reminders.

When it comes to second marriage, haste leads to no good. Sometimes it is better and more honest to stay lovers and friends and sometimes you need time and wisdom. Store up on patience - in such situation it is something you will definitely need.