How to Have a Successful Marriage: Characteristics to show you the RIGHT way to save your marriage and to stop your

divorce, Pt 1.

Man, there's a LOT of gimmicks out there to help you stop your divorce! They mainly involve playing 'hard to get', acting like

it's no big deal your lover is leaving, 'living it up' to make your partner jealous and magically 'realize' they made a 'big'

mistake, and other bullshit crap. You're a smart person, so I'm sure it seems pretty obvious to you this junk isn't going to

help you save your marriage. But you'd be surprised by how many smart people end up wasting their money on this stuff.

Worse yet, are the supposed 'guru's' out there who've either never been married, are married and never been divorced, or worse

yet - can't create a successful relationship for themselves, telling you how to stop your divorce. And yes, there's a lot of

these jokers out there too, just trying to make a buck off you!

Therefore, I thought it might be helpful for you if I told you some real, actionable ways, to save your marriage - even if

you're the only one who cares. And let me be clear: I'm not concerned with helping you to stop your divorce. And I'll

honestly tell you I don't give a rip if you save your marriage or not. I DO CARE you have a SUCCESSFUL marriage, one where

you and your partner feel fully loved, secure, accepted, and experience more passion than you ever thought possible...and if

this is what you want to, then read on; if not, then go hit up one of those jokers out there selling snake-oil.

The first characteristic to create a successful marriage involves a secure attachment. And when I say a "successful" marriage,

I mean one where there is mutual satisfaction, stability, and a sense of safety. For me, it also involves experiencing

an abundance of love, passion, & fulfillment, with a low amount of conflict.

A secure attachment means you and your partner are able to be empathetic, compassionate, and listen non-defensively to your partner.

You regularly express your needs comfortably & without demanding your parnter take care of you. Your own happiness, fulfillment,

and satisfaction doesn't feel threatened by the needs of your partner. You're comfortable with your partner's expression of

anger. You believe you can appropriately express all of your emotions, and you allow your partner to do the same. You feel

secure in yourself and your relationship, regardless of how your partner acts or responds to you. To put it in a nutshell...

You feel loved and accepted by your partner regardless of what happens between the two of you.

Most people DO NOT have a secure attachment.

In fact, most people have what's called an 'insecure' or 'anxious' way of attaching to others.

What IS attachment? Think of it as the lessons you've learned about how to give and receive love. You 'attach' or love, someone

based on how you have learned to love. And, you receive love based on how you learned to accept love. Most of us have some pretty

messed up messages about what love is, much less HOW to love in the right way.

An 'anxious' or 'insecure' attachment means someone doesn't feel secure in the relationship they have with others. What this means

to you is: if you feel shame, guilt, judgment, rejection, condemnation, insecurity; you have to make others happy, love is

conditional, you're fearful of other's responses, you have to walk on egg shells; you feel others are 'unpredictable' in their

messages of love to you; you're hyperalert to others' moods, you have a hard time saying no, you feel like you're the victim in

your relationship or you feel like you have to control those closest to you, you feel powerless or others are always wrong,

it's hard for you to know what you're feeling; you feel like you have to take care of others, it's hard for you to receive help;

feelings seem scary, useless, or detached; you push your partner away and then you chase after them; it seems like you're reading

from the same script, with the same lines, only the 'players' change; you seem stuck in the same arguments; you idealize or

fantasize about relationship; you think you have high or unrealistic expectations of others (or others have told you so);

you desire a deep connection but rarely experience it; you feel easily let down, disappointed, hurt, angry, or rejected -

especially when others haven't met your expectations; you want your partner to 'read' your mind; you avoid and withdraw from your partner;

you attempt to be as independent and self-sufficient as possible; or, you don't communicate what you need or want to your

partner - you have a 'insecure' or 'anxious' attachment.

Love for you is unsafe, unreliable, unpredictable, dangerous, unfulfilling, a guessing game, a chore, and comes with strings attached.

In my research and study, a secure attachment has four essential parts to it. The more fully you're able to experience each

of these four parts, the more secure you will be, and ultimately, the better and better and better your marriage will get.

What if you DON'T have a secure attachment (and if your in the middle of a divorce, you don't)???

Hope is NOT lost!!! Regardless of how bad off your marriage is, even if you're the only one who wants to save it,

you can shift the way you give and receive love so love becoming secure, stable, fulfilling, passionate,

enjoyable, predictable, and the NORM (versus arguments, frustration, lack of peace, and unfulfillment). The more secure

you become, the more your love will increase; the more your love increases, the more amazing your marriage will get - regardless

of how great, or horrible, it is right now.

Do you REALLY want actual, reliable, and LONG-LASTING SOLUTIONS to your marriage problems?

If so (and I know you do) then the best solutions will occur as you begin to shift from an insecure way of loving to a secure

way of loving. Think of it as a spectrum; there's degrees of security, just as there are degrees of insecurity. As you move

away from insecurity and closer to the secure side, the better and better your marriage will get. The more freedom you'll

experience, the less shame and guilt you'll feel; you'll feel more peace, calm; you'll be happier; you'll enjoy life more.

In the next article I'll break down the four essential aspects of a secure attachment, and why their crucial to help you

stop your divorce or save your marriage.

P.S.: If this article was helpful to you, encouraged or supported you, or if you learned something new or were reminded of something

you needed to be reminded of - let me know! I'd love to hear from you!! Also, if you think it would benefit someone you

care about, please do them a favor and "pass it on!"