It’s often hard to discuss difficult aspects of relationships without annoying one ‘expert’ or another. In fact I’m probably as guilty as anyone when it comes to reading the latest factoid on marriage, relationships generally or the differences between men and women and not shouting "rubbish" at some point.

With all that in mind, I write these Marriage Myths anyway, knowing that someone, somewhere will object to what I say. However, in my defence, and the defence of others who know this, I write from experience; not just my own personal exposure to them but watching the positive effect exploring and exploding these marriage myths has had on the people we help.

So, here’s Marriage Myth #1.

"You Just Need To Talk"

Seriously, if this was all there is to solving marriage problems then world peace would be a no-brainer. I lost count of the number of times my wife and I would sit down and talk about our problems only for the conversation to degenerate into another "You said"/"I said" slanging match.

These conversations would come to an abrupt end for one or more of three reasons:

One of us would complain that the other "just wasn’t listening"

Something unrelated from the past would be brought up to score points

We would push each others buttons until one of us would simply walk away

When discussing the situation with clients, they reported pretty much identical outcomes.

The clue to the solution lies in the first point about listening. When it comes to discussing marriage and relationship problems, we tend to be very egocentric. We become determined to make our view heard rather than make ourselves aware of what our spouse is saying.

The next part is the kicker, though, and is often where people need some marriage advice. Listening is also not quite enough.

You must learn to understand. Not just nod your head at the right moment or wait patiently so that you can interject with your opinion on what’s being said.

Understand how they are trying to communicate.

Are they ‘feelers’, ‘thinkers’ or ‘seers’? When they are talking, which of these words, or similar, are they using to express their emotions?

Once you have tuned in to this, using the same words to them will help you match their dominant communication style and give you an insight into the best way to communicate with them.

You will understand the intent behind the words so much better and it’s this that helps minimize the constant talking at cross purposes.

Considering your partner’s communication style also helps you separate yourself from the problem and view it more from a third party aspect. This allows a much more objective observation prompting a focus on fixing rather than fighting.

It takes some practice, but once you are able to do this the process to solutions moves quickly rather than being mired in misunderstandings. You hear the words, match the communication style, understand the intent then work together on the problem. That’s the first step to take to transform your marriage.

It’s so much more, and so much better, than "just talking."

Because they have been there themselves, Simon G and his wife are passionate about helping people re-ignite their relationships.

They run workshops and provide online assistance for couples who want more from their marriage.