by Maureen Thomson

No one is more qualified than I to write this article. I've been officiating wedding ceremonies since 2002 and I've met MOBs of every type. I'm often asked by people fascinated by my line of work, if I have to deal with many Bridezillas. My answer is no. I have had very few out of control, demanding brides. However, I've dealt with more than my fair share of domineering, pushy, controlling mothers. Hence my self-appointed expertise in this area!

In addition, I've been the MOB myself--twice. And if you are an MOB and reading this, thinking how hard it is to walk the fine line between being helpful and being pushy as your starry-eyed engaged daughter goes through the wedding planning process, then imagine how more difficult the task if you are both MOB AND a wedding professional yourself. White lace and promises, my ass!

Welcome to my world! Mom, I feel your pain. I've walked a mile in your wedding pearls, pumps and pantyhose. Don't worry; we'll muddle through this together.

1. First off, you have to know your daughter. This may sound like common sense, but sometimes when emotions come into play as well as the anticipation of spending gobs and gobs of cash for this one-day extravaganza, common sense can easily be thrown to the wind. Throw in the media and industry hype that surround the Wedding Day (always capitalized) and it's easy to get crazed before you even start.

My two daughters are as different as night and day. Bethany, the oldest, married in 2004, was only 22 at the time of her wedding and fresh out of college. Alyssa, wed in 2009 at 24, had a couple of years of being on her own under her belt. Bethany had some definite ideas about what she wanted, but was generally pretty open to suggestion. She also didn't get too worked up about the small stuff, being perfectly okay if Mom handled details like the cake server, the ceremony programs, and the flower girl basket.

Alyssa, a tad bit more of a perfectionist than her older sister, had to oversee and approve every detail, no matter how small. I did find myself having to go out and buy the hurricane globes for the Unity Candle as time was running out in Alyssa's busy schedule, and you'd better believe I scrutinized every globe in the store to get ones that would confirm to Alyssa's precise standards. Bear in mind that this is the child who, upon telling me of Joel's proposal, exclaimed, "Mommy, I want to wear a veil AND a tiara!" (and she did). This was opposed to her sister who wanted nothing to do with the fuss of a veil on her wedding day.

Bethany's wedding was in-town, at the Lumber Baron Inn--an urban Bed and Breakfast, on the Sunday of Memorial Day Weekend in May. Alyssa's wedding was at Mt. Princeton Hot Springs--a mountain resort three hours away from our home, on a Friday evening in August. (This brings up another good point. If you are lucky enough to be blessed with two or more daughters, encourage them to have weddings that are different in feel from their sister's. There's nothing worse than sister-sibling one-upmanship. Making the environment totally different helps eliminate comparisons.)

And in the knowing of your daughter, do not expect that her personality will magically morph overnight under the dewy-eyed anticipation of being a bride. (Nice try, though!) Your jeans and sneakers-wearing tomboy who delights in mauling her bothers at touch football, is not going to swoon over yards and yards of meringue tulle, no matter how much you want her to. And your fussy perfectionist offspring is not likely to relinquish control--or lower her standards--no matter how much you insist that it doesn't matter if the red in the table linens isn't an exact match with the bridesmaids' dresses or that no one will notice if the cream filling in the cake is chocolate as opposed to mocha.

2. Develop a budget with your daughter and future son-in-law (and any other interested parties). Let them know how much you're willing to kick in for this big day. Determine what you will pay for, and/or how much you'll pay. Unless you're really nervous about how your daughter will allocate expenses, the easiest thing is to simply tell her how much you'll be able to contribute, then let the bride and groom determine how the funds will be allocated. Another option is to tell them which items you'll pay for (e.g. photographer, reception and flowers). Either way, be clear. It's not fair to send your daughter out into the jungle of wedding vendors without knowing how much money she has to work with.

And bear in mind that just because you are financing all or part of this venture, does not give you carte blanche to make all the decisions. In fact, you'd be surprised at how little bargaining power holding the purse strings will give you. Wedding vendors will undoubtedly see the bride and groom as adults (gasp!) and will contract with them directly. You may be writing out the checks, but the bride and groom will be viewed as the customers. I know, I know...19 hours of labor and a C-section and this is what you get!

3. Realize that this is her wedding, not yours. This can be particularly tough, especially for you mothers who have spent much of your adult life dreaming about this day. (Really? Geeze--get a life!) After all, you gave this child life and have the stretch marks and gray hair (from the teen years) to prove it! The little princess owes you this much!

But alas, it doesn't work this way. You had your day. This is hers. If she wants to be married in jeans and sneakers before bungee jumping off the side of a cliff with her new hubby, then so be it. Just let her think the tears you're sobbing into your lace hanky (the one that belonged to your grandmother that you imagined your daughter would be carrying with her bouquet as she walked down the aisle wearing a frilly white dress in front of 300 of your dearest friends and family members) are tears of joy.

4. Be aware that things have changed since your wedding day. Do yourself a favor. Pick up a current wedding etiquette book and educate yourself on this topic. Things aren’t what they used to be. RSVPs are sent online. Invitations are no longer engraved, but can be produced on any computer. Weddings are now "green" (and I don't mean the color of the bridesmaids' dresses or how much you're spending--I mean environmentally conscious). Reception food is no longer simply a choice between "plated or buffet". And forget the rubber chicken dinners; receptions are just as likely to be brunch, cocktails only, dessert, appetizer "stations" and pot luck picnics. Your daughter may choose to be escorted by her father and her step-father; maybe even by you, too. None of your guests cares if they are the friend of the bride or groom when being seated. Bridal dresses are no longer all-white. Brides "maids" are sometimes men and there may be a "best woman" standing next to your future son-in-law at the altar (if there even is an altar). It's all good! Just breathe.

5. Be there when she wants you to be; don't be offended when she doesn't. While your daughter may love having you come with her to see her try on no less than 512 wedding dresses over a six month period, she might be less enthused at having you at her bachelorette party. You're in your 50's for crying out loud; get over it!

6. Learn to zip your lip. There's nothing wrong with giving advice and/or stating your opinion. Once...okay maybe twice, if you have a particularly stubborn daughter. Offer the insight of your wisdom, ("But, darling daughter dear, an outdoor wedding in July at high noon in Phoenix might be a tad uncomfortable for your guests.") then zip it and trust your daughter to make her own decision.

And if it's a situation over which you have no control, then recite your Serenity Prayer and move on. If you daughter thinks the eight inch tattoo on her shoulder is beautiful and wants to show it off with a strapless wedding dress, then voicing your opinion will do nothing but cause angst.

On the other hand, you can use your verbal assertiveness for good rather than evil if some hard-nosed vendor haranguing is in order. For example, the seamstress who altered Alyssa's dress cinched it in far too much, causing my size 4 daughter to turn a distinct shade of blue after wearing the gown in the dressing room for ten minutes. Alyssa's solution? Maybe she could drop a few pounds before the wedding (from where, I don't know). Mom's solution? Get the dressmaker back into the shop on her day off to let out the dress a half inch so the bride could inhale enough to say her vows.

See? I was needed, after all!

7. One note on the religion issue, as it is the major bone of contention I see between marrying couples and their parents. Even though you've brought your daughter up to be a good practicing Methodist (Catholic, Jew, Lutheran...fill in the blank), she might not espouse your religious beliefs for her wedding day. This may be due to many reasons: a difference in religions between her and the groom, their desire to have a non-traditional wedding ceremony, wanting to have their ceremony and reception all in one location, so therefore ruling out the idea of a church wedding. Whatever the reason, see Numbers 3 and 6, above and try not to worry that your daughter is headed for eternal damnation because she is not wed in your place of worship. And while I'm on the subject, don't even think about pulling the "If you're not married in the church, I won't in good conscience be able to attend." No matter how this turns out, you will regret it for the rest of your life.

8. Pick one thing that is important to you. Ask nicely. When my daughter Bethany was married, I had my heart set on a bagpiper leading her down the aisle. Bethany was indifferent, but I decided that was the hill I wanted to die on. I made a bunch of other concessions to get that one thing. And it was glorious! For Alyssa, it was important to me that I be the one to perform the ceremony. (I hadn't insisted on this for her sister's wedding and even though I wrote the ceremony, the delivery by their chosen non-professional wedding officiant left much to be desired.) This took a bit of artful negotiation. (Alyssa wanting me to "relax and just be the MOB", but really I think she was afraid I'd tell embarrassing stories at the ceremony. I didn't.) Eventually she conceded on that point and it, too, was glorious!

9. On the day of the wedding, expect to be the go-to person. You thought your mothering days were over? Ha! People will come to you for every decision and minute task imaginable. And I mean everyone! No one will want to disturb or upset the bride; it is, after all, her big day! Who is the logical second best choice to express the bride's wishes? Why, Mom, of course.

• Where do you want the Unity Candle table placed?

• Someone has to meet the florist in the dining room to review the delivery and pay her final balance.

• Do these bows on the chair covers look right?

• The bride's father (FOB) has gone AWOL--can you find him? (No matter that you've been divorced for 15 years and try to avoid the man at all costs--just use your Mom-radar and track him down.)

• The string quartet for the ceremony is calling on your cell phone. They are lost. Can you give them directions?

• How do these darn boutonnières get pinned on?

• The bride forgot her contact lens solution and is dry-eyed and puffy. This won't do. Can you find someone to run to the store to get some eye drops?

• The ring bearer is chasing the flower girl and now she is crying and he has grass stains on the knees of his miniature tux.

Can you find them a quiet activity to keep them occupied for 30 minutes?

• And oh, by the way, the ice sculpture was delivered too soon and it's now dripping water droplets onto the dance floor--could you see about that, Mom?

• Does anybody have a tissue? (This will be said with an expectant look at the MOB; mothers are ALWAYS supposed to have tissues!)

And on it goes. Suck it up. This is your lot in life--or at least on your daughter's wedding day. It's what you signed on for the minute the doctor proclaimed, "It's a girl!" And along these lines, do not expect to have much time to get yourself ready on the day of the wedding. You'll be so busy helping your daughter to get down the aisle in style that you may look down at yourself

15 minutes before ceremony start time and realize you are still in your jeans and slippers!

10. Expect your daughter to change her mind about at least one thing--probably more--on the day of the wedding. Roll with the punches. Do not lecture, gloat, or give long-suffering looks.

11. Refrain from catty remarks about relatives--especially your future in-laws--during the entire wedding-planning process. Your daughter will get stressed because her future mother-in-law won't help plan the rehearsal dinner, or the groom's brother refuses to wear the tux that all the other groomsmen are wearing. Your daughter will be frustrated; she will say mean things about her future family. She will vent to you over and over. Do not mistake this for a mother-daughter bonding moment and jump on the "trash the in-laws" bandwagon. Your daughter will forget all of the stress the minute she is wed. You, however, will be remembered as the one who bashed her relatives. Smile, offer sympathy, empathize. Brainstorm solutions, hand your daughter a pint of Ben & Jerry's with a soup spoon and a can of whipped cream, but badmouth no one.

12. The best piece of advice you can give throughout the entire wedding process? As trite as it sounds, remind your daughter that the wedding is only for a day whereas her marriage will (hopefully) last for a lifetime. It had better, because after this wedding, you're done!