Does this sound like you? You had an affair. You can't believe that it happened, but it did. You can't take it back, and you don't know where to go from here. Your spouse doesn't know yet but there is a chance that they will find out. You are not sure if your marriage is going to be able to survive this and you are scared that you have screwed things up permanently and you don't know what to do.

This is a hard place to be. It's full of anxiety and worry and fear for the future of your marriage. It can be hard to make good decisions in this place, but good decisions are the only kind of decisions you have left to make. You can't make any more bad ones, or you may lose your marriage forever.

Don't Keep the Affair a Secret

The first step is admitting the affair to your spouse. If you don't admit the affair, and they find out from some other source about it, then your chances of saving the marriage are much slimmer than if you fess up yourself. Confessing, as hard as it is, will look less like 'trying to get away with it' and more like admitting that you screwed up. Even though it doesn't seem like they will, your spouse will be able to deal with you admitting the affair better than finding out through the grapevine.

But before you approach your spouse you have to do one big thing. You have to admit to yourself why the affair happened in the first place. Your spouse will ask you why you had an affair and you can't respond with the answer 'I don't know' as this will only make matters worse. If you haven't been honest about why the affair happened you may also say something that's not true if you don't actually know the truth and this can also cause more problems down the line. Be honest with yourself and your spouse.

Once you are honest and admit why the affair took place you can start to come up with ways to save the marriage. Being honest is the key here. It's going to hurt both of you, no doubt, but it's necessary to get to the heart of the marriage issues and to fix it.

One thing to remember here is that you have to listen to your partner's feelings and validate them. They are going to be upset and they are not going to take any part in the blame, so don't try to blame the affair on them. Rather put the blame on you and your feelings, because the only person you can ever change is yourself and you have to admit that you were responsible for the affair. You chose to have the affair no matter what else was going on in the relationship.

Don't Wait For the Right Time to Admit the Affair

If you sit around and wait for that perfect moment to admit your affair then you may never confess the affair at all. What is a perfect moment for admitting something like that? There is none. Whether you partner is stressed or happy, tired or awake, loving or angry, or having any another other emotion possible - there is not right moment. You are going to cause pain by admitting the affair and their reaction will be the same whether you admit it on the beach on vacation or at home during a stressful period in your life. They will be upset.

The only 'right time' to admit your affair is when you are alone with your spouse and have ample time to talk.

You do not want to be surrounded by people.

You do not want to be expecting company.

You do not want to be getting ready to go out.

You want to have some time to sit and discuss the affair, or at least time for your spouse to go off and think about what they just learned without being interrupted.

The Conversation

When you do start to have the conversation about the affair make sure you are to the point. Don't make excuses or create a longer story than necessary to avoid saying what you got to say. Get to the point and take responsibility for what you have done.

Don't make it seem less serious than it is by not showing your grief over it or not responding to their questions. Don't attack them by blaming them or suggesting things they need to change. Your part in this conversation is to admit that you had an affair and explain why and help them deal with their emotions - all of which are valid and real, so don't downplay them if you want to save your marriage.

After Admitting the Affair

Saving the marriage may not be an option in your partner's eyes. Many people cannot forgive an affair. This is something that you have to be prepared for. On the other hand, many marriages can be saved. You will have to wait and see what happens. All you can do is admit the affair and how you feel, help you partner deal with their emotions, and start working towards a solution to save the marriage. You can't force your partner to feel or act a certain way.

Remember that saving the marriage will not be a short process. This is not going to be fixed within a week. You are going to need to work at building trust back with your partner and proving that you want to be in the marriage with them. You will have to fix the marriage issues that were around before the affair and you will also have to work at healing the wounds that have been made from the affair happening. Be supportive and accepting during this period and you will have a chance saving your marriage.

Remember that there are marriages that survive an affair. There are even marriages that grow stronger after an affair. It all depends on your spouse's reaction to the affair and what action you and your spouse take to save your marriage.