Many relationships end leaving one or both people in them wondering what they might have done differently. After enough time has passed some people no longer wonder about what went wrong, but simply dwell on all of the parts of the person they miss. For those that made the decision to end it, or were involved in a mutual breakup: Having second thoughts about deciding to end your relationship are natural and might lead you to wonder what rekindling the old flame could be like BUT: Does this make your Ex the right person? Are you simply lonely and missing what you once had? If someone great had come along, would you still be missing your Ex?   Before you begin hitting the online flower market or start sacrificing your pride on the altar of silly, public love songs; perhaps you should take a few minutes to weigh the choices you once made when deciding to end the relationship.
+ What caused the breakup? What were the problems you tried to communicate that went unnoticed or dismissed? Have any of those reasons changed? + Who is your Ex now? How well do you know the person your Ex has become? Are you chasing a ghost? Or perhaps is the person you keep fantasying about being with some warped version of the person you remember? + What’s Different? Do you know that if you were to begin a new relationship with your Ex that the exact same issues wouldn’t resurface? + Are you afraid of being alone? Many people begin to feel that an old flame might be the cure for their loneliness simply because that person knew them well. A person who is familiar can be very comforting, even if you knew when you ended it that the person was not the right one for you. + Pedestal Effect: After enough time has passed many people idolize their old relationships and tend to forget the flaws; in some cases perhaps you simply worked out an issue that was a problem that only you could solve, which might allow for a successful second try; however, in many cases those same flaws still exist in your Ex and after the second round of the honey-moon phase passes, you’ll be right back where you started. + Something old and something new: Another common problem is comparing an Ex to a new partner who may have flaws that your Ex did not. Perhaps in this case it is that you didn’t know what you had until it was compared to someone awful, or are you simply seeking to see the flaws in any person you enter into a relationship with?

  For those who didn’t want the breakup to happen: Dangerous ground awaits such people who are often seen as needy and insecure. The first and perhaps most important question you must put to yourself is: Why did your Ex breakup with you and do you agree with the reasons they gave for doing it? Are you sure the relationship was a healthy one for you? Are the issues that were a problem in the past resolved? If you don’t understand why the breakup happened in the first place, how can you hope to avoid a second, even if your Ex takes you back?  
+ The Need to Succeed: For some people getting back together with a person who chose to leave you isn’t really about the relationship at all; the desire not to fail is both instinctual and a large part of what society teaches us to practice. Try to keep in mind that two people being incompatible enough to end a relationship is not necessarily the result of failure on either person’s part. + Rejection Complex: After being turned out of a relationship people often take a hit to the ego, some believe that the only way to renew lost confidence is to win the person back; through this they feel that their value has been reinstated, though it often has little to do with wanting the missing person back in their life. + Glutton for Punishment: Those who know that a past relationship was destructive, whether emotionally, financially or physically, but still seek to renew it are often locked into a terrible pattern of self-loathing. If the people who love you all advice against reuniting with an Ex and you trust their judgment, take their advice.

  If after reviewing all of the reasons not to pursue an Ex you still find that the decision is a sound one it might be that those problems from the past can be fixed and this time the relationship could be a success. How now do you proceed in winning back the heart of the one you love?
+ Mending Fences: Show your Ex that the reasons for ending it in the past are no longer a problem, not just in words but in actions; prove to that person that you can and have changed and in doing so you will win back a great deal of their interest. By showing your Ex that you are capable of solving those problems from the past you accomplish two goals: One: When one person has enough influence over another they feel special and important to that person; Two: If a person has both the insight and the will to change for the better it leads one to believe they can compromise not only on current issues but problems that may arise in the future. + A Little Gloss and Paint: Physical appearance might not be the corner stone of a good relationship but effort sure is! Show your Ex that you seek to impress them by working on the way you look; getting in shape, changing a hair style or even buying some new cloths can stimulate a brand new attraction in an old or broken relationship. Particularly focusing on a few aspects of your appearance that you know your partner disliked in the past is a good place to start. + Stubborn Goat: Were there places your Ex wanted to visits that you refused to accompany them on? Activities that you refused to take part in? Show your Ex that you are willing to take that extra step to make them happy by making a few sacrifices in their honor. + New Date Shuffle: Like it or not, many people breakup simply because they enjoy the beginning stages of a relationship; while it may not be easy to incorporate the same level of romance and excitant after a long period of time, starting over gives you an opportunity to romance and entice your Ex all over again. Showing the person you seek to build a life with what you have to offer and what they’ve been missing while you’ve been away. + A Little Jealousy: Be careful with this method as it can easily do damage to your chances if not handled with caution! Keeping in mind that it comes with many warning labels, jealousy can be an effective tool in getting the attention of an Ex. When a person notices that others desire what they once had and no longer have, certain feelings tend to arise: curiosity about what others might find attractive that they did not; an interest in any changes that may have taken place in their absence which would have others taking notice; even good old fashion territorial instincts which kick in over a person that they never thought they’d have to compete for can be useful.

  In the end, only you can decide how valuable the loss of that person was and how important is it to get them back? If the memory haunts you inexplicably, perhaps the only way to heal is to move on. Or, if you decide that the person is worth perusing, remember that an illusion of who you really are can only last so long. Stick to being as honest; don’t pretend to change, make the changes if you feel they are for the better and remember, that once that person loved you as much as you may now love them, if you are willing to work for their affection and to show them how much you feel for them, anything is possible.

Written by Katt Chat for Village Matchmaker's Online dating reviews. Kattchat, your unofficial online dating and relationship advisor.