When people get together, either in a relationship or in any kind of group situation, they make certain agreements with each other.

In the workplace we usually agree to be on time, to work hard, to be as productive as possible.

In a marriage, we agree to be sexually faithful, to be honest, to be supportive.

When people create a partnership (of any kind), agreements are an essential ingredient to the partnership. We may not sit down and list out all of these agreements, but these agreements are there. They may not have been put in writing, they may not even have been formally agreed upon, but they do exist.

When we do something that violates any of these agreements, we KNOW that we’ve done so. We may try to convince ourselves that “it was unavoidable” or “they deserved it.” It doesn’t matter. We know that we’ve done something that, in some way, has violated an agreement of the relationship.

Some of these broken agreements are more serious than others. The husband might’ve been out with another woman that night he said he was working late. Or the wife may’ve transferred a chunk of money to an account the husband knows nothing about.

We have all heard the term “transgression.” Simply stated: a transgression is a broken agreement.

Usually, the more serious the transgression, the less willing we are to talk about it. We tend to accumulate these transgressions over a period of time AND too often we keep them to ourselves.

Committing these transgressions is one thing. Then withholding (not communicating) what we did—this combination can have a very negative effect on a relationship.

When one spouse (or boyfriend, girlfriend, employee, etc.) commits too many transgressions, the result is a lessened willingness to communicate. And from this condition, all kinds of other problems show up. But what came first was a transgression(s).

Now, there is another type of transgression. These are things that we should’ve done, but we didn’t. These “omissions” have a similar adverse effect.

Example: let’s say the kids are fighting and the mom knows that she should go in and break it up. But she decides not to and one of the kids breaks a lamp. Had the mom gone in and settled things down, we’d still have a good lamp. She “omitted” to take the action of breaking up the fight.

Example: the father notices that the older daughter has some signs of taking drugs. The father knows what these telltale signs are and the daughter is exhibiting some of these signs. But he ignores them. He doesn’t sit down with his daughter and have a heart-to-heart with her. Instead he thinks, “maybe I didn’t really see what I thought I saw.” Or he figures “nah, not my daughter.”

A few weeks later, the daughter gets arrested with some of her friends. Drugs are involved. The father “omitted” to sit down with his daughter and get into sufficient communication with her to determine that 1) she is not involved with drugs in any way or 2) if she is, he works with her to get this resolved!

I am not trying to give you examples of what may be happening to you. I just want you to understand how this type of transgression can occur. The person knows he or she should take some action and then doesn’t.

Perhaps the husband knew his wife needed some help one night. She was coughing and coughing, but the husband pretended to be asleep not wanting to get up and help her. This “omitted action” is a type of transgression.

These transgressions involve things that we should have done but didn’t —and they have a similar negative effect that the other type of transgression has.

So we’ve got two basic transgression types:

1. Those things we did that we know we should NOT have done.

2. Those things we didn’t do that we know we SHOULD’VE done.

When a person has committed too many of these transgressions, he or she often feels the need to make the other person look bad. A few examples:

“I don’t come home on time anymore because my wife gained 30 pounds and just isn’t the same woman I married!”

“I had the affair because my stupid husband wasn’t paying attention to me!”

“I spent all that money on the cellular phone because my insensitive husband doesn’t talk to me anymore!”

“My wife used to make me great dinners. Now she can’t cook her way out of a paper bag!”

“I was a fool when I married you!”

There are all kinds of ways that a person justifies their own transgressions, but that is all it is — justification.

When you hear someone being very critical of another person (spouse, brother, father, boss, employee, etc.), what do you know? More often than not, you know that this person has accumulated too many transgressions that have not been communicated.

When people are critical of another person (or group) AND they have a good, clean intention to resolve things, that’s one thing. It’s understandable to criticize as long as we make a real effort to fix what we think is wrong.

When we are simply criticizing and we do not have the intention to work things out, then we simply have too many concealed transgressions.

An employee who is leaving his job and is hyper-critical of his boss or his co-workers is an employee who has committed his/her share of transgressions.

How many times have we heard one spouse complain incessantly about the other spouse? It can be so easy to sympathize with this spouse. But sympathy rarely resolve things.

THE Number One reason relationships fail is broken agreements (transgressions).

A husband and wife do not just fall out of love with each other. That’s what they may say and that’s what they may feel, but factually they have both simply accumulated too many transgressions, too many instances where an agreement was broken, and these transgressions were then concealed from each other.

These transgressions do not have to be of a very serious nature. But over time, they can mount up and then ALL KINDS of not-so-wonderful things can happen:

1. Married couples separate or get divorced.

2. Employees leave their jobs.

3. Children leave their families.

4. Partners dissolve their partnerships.

5. Lovers break up.

6. Friendships fall apart.

Any type of relationship can be destroyed when there are too many transgressions.

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