In the past newsletters, we discussed the first 4 of the 5 most common communications mistakes:

• Case Building is the first choice we are faced with in communication. It is deciding whether we want to build a case against somebody by gathering evidence to be used against them, or whether we want to build a connection with them.

• Story Telling is when we tell ourselves a story about an observation -- and then believe it. Somebody glances at us in a restaurant and we decide that they are being critical of us and then we base our behavior on that assumption.

• The third mistake, Message Assuming, is assuming that the person we are talking to actually understand our message in the way that we intended. Or that we understood theirs.

• Cup Stuffing is trying to get somebody to listen to you when they are already feeling overwhelmed - they are in need of empathy before they can listen.

Today we will look at the 5th mistake: The Fatal Fs. The Fatal Fs are fixing, fighting and fleeing. They are a natural progression in the way we normally handle difficult situations.

Every day at your job you are paid and valued by the problems you can solve... and yet, once you go home, solving problems can be a very dangerous thing as far as your relationships are concerned.

For example, your partner comes home from work and tells you about how her boss, once again, changed her job description to include more duties.

She didn't argue this with the boss, but came home to complain about it to you. What do you do?

Well, the normal reaction would be to offer advice to help her fix the problem. Of course you can see that what needs to be done here. It's obvious to you...

So you tell her to "Just say no.... Tell the boss politely, but firmly you are not going to do it."

To your surprise, rather than being happy and thanking you for your wisdom she responds defensively. You're fixing.

Anytime you offer advice or try to education without offering empathy (listening and understanding) first, you are 'fixing' the person. And, unlike problems, people don't like to be fixed.

When your partner feels like you are fixing her instead of giving empathy, she will become angry and resist the fixing. She'll explain her side, she'll yell that you don't understand, and then you'll resist this counter attack, and the whole situation will go downhill from there. That's fighting.

And once you've fought over this same argument for about the hundredth time, the natural reaction is to leave the room and refuse to repeat it one more time. That's fleeing.

So what's the good news? The good news is that you can stop this progression by giving empathy at the very beginning, before offering education. You can make the decision to stop fixing people and start listening and understanding.

It will take a lot of practice, but it is worth every minute of it.

And how do you give empathy? Through the Language of Peace. The Language of Peace is the process of giving and receiving empathy.

Nonviolent communication has four distinct steps that help people connect: state the observation: "When your boss said ..." and then ask, "Were you feeling . . .(sad, frustrated, overwhelmed, disappointed), because you're needing . . . (understanding, acknowledgement, support)?"

Next make a request. The most useful request is to ask, "Would you mind telling me what you heard me say?"

That way you'll know if they understood. Plus, just saying the words that connect the feelings and needs can be incredibly soothing to the person listening.

Here's an assignment: the next time your beloved comes home to tell you about a situation, use the Language of Peace to connect to and understand them.

Ask, "When your boss gives you more work, do you feel frustrated and disappointed because you have a need for integrity, appreciation and autonomy?"

A conversation will proceed from there about what her feelings and needs in this situation. It may take several rounds of questions before you and your partner are able to really connect to her feelings and needs, so stick with it until she has nothing more to say.

Then you might be able to offer some advice about how to have better handled the situation. ask her first, though, if she doesn't like to hear some advice. If she doesn't want to hear it now, then at least you know before you start talking.

Not understanding "The 5 Relationship-Wrecking Communication Mistakes" can cost you the love of the people most important to you. We've worked with parents who haven't talked to their grown kids for years over a misunderstanding. We've worked with siblings who no longer talk after a disagreement. And of we've worked with divorcees whose relationships didn't need to end, but who didn't have the communication tools to make it through.

If you'd like to receive the full report on the 5 mistakes, go to the link at the bottom of the page.

You'll see this is not just a 'little' report. This can help you avoid some of the most painful, intimacy-destroying, relationship-wrecking communication mistakes around (I know - I've made all of them!)

I realize that even with my great and wonderful teaching skills it will take more than one read-through to really make these skills your own. Read this several times. Read it out loud with your spouse before going to bed, and when you wake up. Take it on your vacation to remind yourself what you really want from your relationship and what you want to avoid....