Often the green monster, known as jealousy, rears its ugly head and forces its way into your relationship. As unwelcome as it may be, jealousy is a problem that most couples deal with from time to time. But, it should not consume your relationship or become a point of stress. Most of the time, issues with jealousy can be resolved. Ask these questions.

Why are you feeling this way? Foremost you need to look within yourself and find out where these feelings of jealousy are coming from. What about your partner is making you jealous? Is it their success, their ability to make friends, or a particular relationship that he has? Your counselor may be able to ask you some guided questions to help you discover the thought process behind your feelings. Sometimes, understanding why you feel the way you do can bring relief in itself.

Talk about your needs? Once you have concluded the reasoning behind your jealousy, the best way to get your spouse to understand your point of view is to explain your feelings to him. Is he doing something in particular to make you feel this way? Can he say or do something to put your mind at ease? It is important to express your concerns before it begins to drive a wedge between you and your partner. You should not have to feel like you always need to keep an eye on him, nor is it fair to him if you are always making accusations or harboring negative thoughts.

What has happened to you in the past? A major aspect of the systems theory approach is based on how your past relationships effect who you are today. If as a child you often felt jealous or did not get the attention you craved, then those same feelings could have stayed with you as you grew.

Or, if you are jealous of friends that your spouse spends time with, it may because you have been cheated on in the past. Many therapists are qualified to deal with many of these issues, and you and your partner should not have to suffer because you are fearful of the past repeating itself.

What if you’re on the receiving end? If it is your partner who is jealous, and you feel that is affecting your relationship, then you need to bring it up. Ask him some of these same questions to see where his feelings are coming from. Be willing to help him as well. If you can make small changes to your routine to help alleviate some of your jealousy, then offer to make the alterations.

After the problem is initially addressed, continue to check in with him to make sure he is feeling more secure in the relationship. And, make note of the changes you are seeing as well. If you find that an extra phone call or text message helps your spouse feel less jealous, then make a mental note to call him more often. The small steps will help ease some of the stress you are feeling.

But, if you feel that the jealousy in unjustified, and that your spouse doesn’t trust you, then you should consider meeting with a counselor. Trust issues should be dealt with immediately, because without trust you have a weakened platform for your relationship.

If you are already in marriage counseling, and have not yet brought this issue up with your therapist, you should make it a point to make him aware of the situation at your next session.