The Saga Continues...

Part II: Absolutely tops!

By Nevin Jefferson

Let's hear it for self-improvement, hurray, hurray! God love it! In order to make a change for the better each one of us has to make a change within ourselves. Everyone has to do their part individually to make the Gay Community a better place. Have I got the perfect jump start for you with "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives" by Joe Kort. This book provides 10 powerful and positive steps Gay men can take to achieve a healthiest, more rewarding life. For those who don't want anything out of their lives and strive for misery wrapped in despair, this book isn't for you. The previous Saga covered the first five steps which were: Take responsibility for your own life; affirm yourself by coming out; resolve issues with your family; graduate from eternal adolescence and avoid or overcome sexual addiction. Now, here are the five that complete the 10 smart things that a Gay man could do to improve his life:

6. Learn from people whose lives are working well. As the old adage goes; "Look, Learn, and Listen!" For those of you who aren't into old adages, here's the new: "Watch and learn girls and studs!" This is how we become successful by learning with our heads on our shoulders, ears clean for listening and eyes open for watching. Not with our heads firmly planted up our posteriors, our ears full of shit, and our eyes closed and bolted shut because it's dark anyway! A wise man once told my friends and I, (actually it was my Great Grandmother), "Experience teaches a dear school, but a fool will learn at no other". Pull your head out, blow out your ears, open your eyes and LEARN! If you see something that seems to be working well, don't be afraid to ask question and, here's the big part that's tricky gang, LISTEN!

7. Take advantage of therapy workouts. Keeping it all together mentally, physically, and spiritually while having things in control is great! At times, you can't deal and your mind goes into a meltdown. It's one of these times that one seeks help. Then, there's self-help - something that's second nature to my pals and me. We should know! Some of us took psychology and sociology while the others got life on experience. This helps one get into themselves as a person while getting in touch with our emotions. Learning about human nature with a twist of culture shock clues you in on a person real quick and helps you understand where they're coming from and why? You learn that it's an environmental thing with nothing else in-between but a more hard core ghetto to white bread suburban. There are times when you need help to sort things out and think things through in a logical matter. Me? I never tell my friends about what's going on with the challenging situation in my life. They always hear the after effects with a double twist of the positive. I discuss my problems with my shrink every Tuesday at 4:00 p.m.; that's 16:00 hours for you military bluffs. I check my emotional baggage at my shrink's office and leave it there. You can't reach your future if you're carrying the past with you. I'm hyperactive, opinionated and have a strong personality that overpowers you. To some shrinks, I'm the perfect patient come true for future thesis papers and seminar discussions. To other shrinks, I'm a living nightmare that doesn't end! Therapy makes you stronger and introduces you to the person inside while clearing out the cluttered areas in your life. Both inside and out. You get in touch with yourself, your emotions, and reveal the truth about yourself - exposing your dark side. Then, turn it into a bright point in your life. You find out the truth about yourself and deal with this truth. Getting it together and keeping it together is the best way to go to that peaceful, quiet, place inside of you. Having someone to talk to or with can have an enormous influence on your self-esteem. It doesn't necessarily need to be a professional. Build on your personal freedom by exercising your self-worth. When one is able to work through problems, issues, and anything else that spells out misery in stress. Your confidence will grow, after enough personal growth and considerable effort, of course. You are better able to cope with life's little problems. The best way to deal with it is when it's occurring, so when you leave your session you have the answers that you need. If you're the strong type, you like dealing with things on your own. Then, go back to your shrink and blow him or her away with the way you handled things. A mental workout develops a strong mind when a bulging brain flexes it.

8. Maintain rewarding relationships. The key here is the word is "rewarding," spelled R-E-W-A-R-D-I-N-G. Friendships are the greatest rewards of life with memories to flood an autobiography. It's volumes and volumes of extending the hand of fellowship and enjoying companionship. You reap what you sow! Every so often, we need to "weed our garden". But, like a garden, there are those rare and beautiful things that are carefully tended. Nurturing a good and rewarding relationship is it's own reward. Friendships are the most beautiful things in any garden. My friendship with Mr. Bill blooms into 33 years in August and my friendship with Leather Ken blooms into 23 years. Tom and Richard are still hotter than hot for each other after 14 years. Gary Fye, Marine has come to a full harvest after 14 years of friendship. With more harvests to come in my lifetime. Matt Nagel and I never started counting, neither did Jared Keaton. My friend,Companion,and soulmate feels like he's known me forever, as do I. As they say, great minds think alike with Gays being the most creative of the species. Together, we form G.U.Y.S.! Gay Unique Youthful Studs (or sissies depending on our mood). We stand proud. It's the Gay sorority complete with jackets and pin. Friendship is what you make them. Friendships! God Bless em' and God Love em'!

9. Understand the stages of loves. At first we all thought that this was a typo gone unnoticed by the publisher, then again, who cares! Love goes through many stages, from the fiery kindling of the first sparks of romance, through and including the steady warm glow of the embers of maturity. Just because you may not feel that intense heat that began a relationship, does not mean you have fallen out of love. Love can grow, love can be a steady source of strength, and - if you let it - LOVE can wither and die. The main problem with the Gay community is fickleness. Once the heat from the initial passion is gone, it's "On to the next to the next conquest!" You know when a guy is completely into you when he: ignores you, acts like he can't stand being around you, and watches every move that you make from a comfortable distance. He can't eat, sleep, or think! He only wants you, he only wants to be with you, he won't want anyone else, he'll only want you, and he will be the one and only with you. Once he gets over the bullshit and becomes a man about the situation. Rejection of any kind hurts and, when the same wound is opened up again and again, it doesn't heal properly. Heal, cleanse, and renew!

10. Commit to a partner. This topic started a round of "yor mama!" during brunch, which offended the group of Black, women of size, who make up the Mother Board of their Church. Which goes to prove that committing to a partner is a touchy subject. Not everyone is interested in being in a relationship. There ARE those who prefer to be left alone, and they have that right. Some people commit because they don't want to be alone. Others - as a couple - commit to an open relationship so that they won't be without a body. And at the same time they deprive themselves of the sexual satisfaction that they haven't learned to enjoy with each other. Then it's the old adage of two bottoms committing. Or two tops who are into being straight acting and appearing. Committing for the wrong reasons can lead to your been committed into a mental ward or a hospital's ER. When you meet someone who you connect with spiritually, mentally, and physically: you and that person alone know that you're each other's soul mate. You can't explain the way you feel. All you know is that it feels right and you're going for it. There's trust, communication, understanding, respect for one another, knowing what the other is thinking. Then say the same thing together, giving the person their own personal space to grow into their individuality and creativity. Being there in each other's corner. There's a strong feeling of love between the two of you that glows outward with everyone seeing it. This is when you make a commitment to each other and get married in the wedding of your dreams. You have to commit to yourself first, before committing yourself to other things and people becomes easy! There are those who can't commit to a 32-week Gay bowling league, so how can they commit to anything else? There are those of us who can't commit. There are others who can and will commit. For those of us who WANT a partner& See the above nine top reasons and logical ways to MAKE IT HAPPEN!

May 12th 2006