Guilt- a Mother's Middle Name

If you take time for your self, are you afraid you'll seem selfish or let down your family? If you don't get everything done, are you afraid life will become chaos & fall apart? If you become the sexiest creature your husband has ever seen, are you afraid you'll threaten your friends, your marriage? I was afraid and feeling guilty of all these things and more. In fact I still am afraid and still feeling guilty, but I've decided to be sexy, sensual and satisfied anyways.

I got pregnant the week after my mom died. All at once I was angry, sad, guilty and elated. My marriage was rocky and we were renovating the house. I gave birth on my side, clinging to my girlfriend, my back to my husband. He quit his job the next day. I lost it. I would cry and scream hysterically then put on a happy face with friends. I was sleep deprived, overwhelmed and had lost all faith.

One day I looked into my newborn eyes and felt like a failure. He looked back with unconditional love, as if to remind me that deep inside there was a joyful peaceful mom to inspire him. That day I stopped living the lie. I ended my marriage.

Single motherhood triggered many fears and guilt. I battled old victim patterns of wanting to be saved, of not trusting men, of being addicted to people pleasing or being a controlling bitch to get my way. I had trouble finding my sanity let alone 36 minutes for a pedicure. No one taught me that I am a precious ecosystem that needs nurturing. No one taught me to feel feelings and let them guide me versus indulge in them and be a drama queen. No one taught me how to surrender and trust my intuition, trust the universe, spirit, angels guiding my every move.

It felt like jumping off a cliff into the unknown as learned by trial and error how to have boundaries, how to create time for me. Slowly I began to re discover my girl friends, my fashion, my faith, my dreams. I forgave myself and made amends with the father. I took dance movement and erotic dance classes, I performed the Dangerous Beauty monologue in an acting class, I went to church and signed up for match.com. Like a seed that is growing but we can't see it until it peaks through the soil, one day I woke up all of a sudden I trusted the universe.

I felt beautiful again, but from the inside out. Now I dance on the coffee table with my son. Now I have energy and openness to be ravished by my man. Now I don't feel envy or competition with other women anymore because I love myself for exactly who I am right now. What a journey. I learned that there's really no where to go but back home to myself. There's really nothing to do but be me. Surrender. All is well. Life is good. And so it is.