Has it ever happened to you that when you snuggle up to her, she will say – I do not want to have sex tonight, dear; I have a headache? Do you at times have to do a lot of coaxing and persuasion in order to nudge her into sex?

Are you faced with any of the following symptoms –

(a) 1-2 times per month

(b) Sex becomes a chore

(c) Do not feel intimate after sex

(d) You do not have any sexual fantasies about your partner

(e) It seems only one of you are more keen on sex

(f) There is no sense of adventure or spontaneity in sex

(g) Neither of you are frisky in the bedroom any more

If you have one or more of the above symptoms, you are probably facing the situation of a low-sex marriage.

In whatever category you and your partner find yourself belong to, chances are you may still have experienced your share of sexual rejection in your relationship. You may have had to endure a period of ‘drought’ when your partner is not in the mood for sex. While some couples do not see this no-sex or low-sex situation as an issue, it can be a cause for concern to others. This is especially so when one party is never in the mood and the other is always quite keen.

If you have this problem of no-sex or not enough sex in your relationship, here are the 6 tips that will help you to improve sexual intimacy

(1) Share sexual expectations

It is necessary that partners discuss with one another their sexual needs and wants particularly in relation to the regularity or frequency aspects. Ask your partner how often and when he or she would like to be intimate. Does he/she prefer making love in the morning or at the end of the day?

Through this exchange of views, both of you may be closer to a common set of expectations than you may think. If there are big differences in these expectations, jointly come up with a plan that can take into consideration each other’s needs and giving some room for compromise.

(2) Recognize each other’s differences in sexual desire

It is very unlikely that your appetite, the amount of sleep you require, how sociable you are and other aspects of your personality will always be perfectly matched with your partner’s. Therefore it is nothing weird or abnormal if you want more or less sex than your partner. A couple must learn not to make this issue a deal-breaker. By seeing this as a very normal sexual issue, you can negotiate your sexual needs and talk about your sex lives in an honest and respectful way. It will then be possible to reclaim the intimacy and closeness you are both missing.

(3) Be respectful to the low sexual desire partner

If you are the one with a higher sex drive level, you have to accept that you may get less sex than you would ideally like. You have to learn not to over-react to a ‘no’ to sex and accept it respectfully. Avoid sexual bullying, begging or manipulating. This is indeed a very tough act to follow and it helps a lot when the low-desire partner can at the same time be more understanding of the high-desire partner’s needs.

(4) Get to the root of the problem

Remember that you cannot have good sex in a bad relationship. Probe deeper to see if there are any underlying resentment or anger from/towards your partner that act as an obstacle to greater intimacy. Hormonal fluctuations, medication, past sexual trauma, or undiagnosed illness can all have an impact on our sexual desire. Face up to all these issues and look for ways to resolve them. Seek professional help if you are unable to change things on your own.

(5) Strive for greater intimacy

Intimacy in a relationship is not automatic. It must be developed and nurtured through cultivating an environment characterized by mutual trust and respect, deep communication and time-together. You cannot be intimate if you do not talk and spend time with each other. Making your spouse’s needs a priority is an excellent way of breaking down the barriers to a great sex life.

(6) Sometimes have sex even if the mood is not there

If we just wait for the mood to come to have sex, some of us would never have it. This seems contradictory to what I said about learning to accept ‘no’ to sex. But marriage is all about mutual love and respect and compromise which involves at times giving way to his/her needs. Once you start the ball rolling and just do it, desire and arousal often follow.