It won’t be the first time you’ve heard that confidence is a quality that many find attractive, however do you find that despite knowing that you need it, you don’t seem to have it? Not to be confused with acting in an egotistical or pampas way, confidence usually stems from being comfortable and happy with who you are and where you are in your life. It may seem ridiculously like an advertising campaign: others will like me if I like myself, but for the most part it’s true.

Q: Why is it that people respond so well to those who have a healthy, confidant attitude?

A: One of the biggest turn-offs in a relationship is a person that walks into it with a giant heap of problems. Now this is not to say that every person doesn’t have their own issues, flaws if you will, that they are working on, perhaps even for their entire life; a confident person however, gives the impression that they have these flaws under control. People who enter into a relationship often expect to endure a variety of struggles during the time that they are together, but to be completely responsible for both you and your partners’ flaws is an unreasonable expectation. To exude a certain amount of strength by having a more confident attitude you let the person you’re interested in know that not only are you a quality person who they would be lucky to be with, but also that you have your life in order and by joining those lives together you both have a great chance at making a success of your relationship.

Signs of Confidence

• People who have no trouble, and often want, a little time to themselves. Enjoying activities or pursuing hobbies of one’s own liking is an important part of being confident, and it says clearly to others: I like who I am. Acting too needy or desperate is always a bad sign, usually it stems from being unhappy with an aspect of one’s own life and choosing to hide from that problem(s) by relying on the company of others. More often than not the company kept by those who feel insecure about their own life leaves much to be desired; overly aggressive or controlling friends are usually a good sign of insecurity.

• The ability to laugh at one’s own flaws. Not advertising the problems that one may have in the beginning of a relationship is normal, obviously most people want to express their best qualities; however if those flaws should come up in one way or another a good sign is person who is able to laugh about it. Some flaws are aspects of one’s personality that can be changed, others must simply be accepted. Knowing one’s own limitations, and not holding a grudge against anyone (including oneself) is a quality that can make flaws easily overlooked and at times even endearing.

• The ability to be open and honest with others. When people avoid certain subjects or have difficulty with them the people around them are often left to assume that not only does that person have unresolved issues, but that those issues are not being dealt with. New relationships may not often include break through discussions about very personal matters, however a lack of openness indicates that a person is hiding something or is not comfortable working out issues, this often leaves prospective partners uncomfortable and a little wary. Remember that while it is reasonable, even expected, to withhold parts of your life from others, especially in new relationships, to avoid any open discussion is to exclude that person from getting to know you and leaves that person wondering: Why doesn’t this person want me to know about their life?

• Strong opinions. Those who speak with conviction have been attracting attention for centuries and are often admired even by those who disagree with them. While being too headstrong or close-minded can be repulsive to one’s potential partners, knowing how you feel about a wide variety of subjects can be an enticing aspect of one’s personality. Whether or not the person one is interested agrees with them, a well spoken argument indicates a fair amount of thought and resolve, qualities which future loved ones often apply to their relationships. Keep in mind that the real key to this is balance (as in so many things in life.) Extreme stubbornness is as unattractive as a person who is easily swayed or controlled. Always remember to listen to the opinions of those you care for, or have an interest in, but never forget your own voice.

The Illusion of Confidence: Playing the Game that Leads to Disaster

While there are many more qualities that one may find in a confident person another idea to keep in mind might be that many of the cliché actions of those in the dating world that appear confidant maybe nothing more than an illusion; often these are more of indication that a person is not at all ready to be in a healthy relationship. While some may firmly believe that dating is a game and that to not play by the rules means to lose entirely more and more people are finding that this is not a way to enter into a healthy long-lasting relationship.

• Playing it Cool: This refers to the idea that one may not return phone calls or emails quickly and might even take an abnormally long time to respond in general; also that one will not reveal their true feelings (whether they be mild or extreme,) until they have had complete confirmation that the other person feels the same way, or sometimes they will just refuse to commit by revealing their feelings at all.

While acting in a way that appears desperate will almost assuredly repel others, it is not necessary to remain constantly aloof to appear confident. In fact, the ability to share one’s feelings and react reasonably to the response that follows, whether positive or negative, shows that one is not dependant on others for their happiness.

Keeping in mind that a certain amount of common sense must be taken into account, one should almost never fear rejection. If one is happy with one’s own personality being rejected simply indicates that the compatibility felt was not mutual and should not make one ashamed. If on the other hand reasons are given for the rejection that one agrees are indeed flaws in one’s personality, the rejection is then turned into a learning tool, those flaws can be helped in many cases and in by working on one’s flaws not only will one improve the success rate for the next person one is interested in, but most often will improve the quality of life all together.

• Fun and Flirty: Typically this game is more often played by, but is no way exclusive to, women: Discussing sex or acting in such a way that would indicate that sex is one’s goal, in order to gain some ground with the person one is interested in, when one knows they have no intention of being physical with that person. Now let me state clearly, this is not to say that flirting, even if that flirting becomes of a very intimate nature, should leave the distinct impression that physical contact is intended. Many people flirt with others, some without the awareness that they are doing it, no person should ever assume that they know the intentions of one who is acting flirtatiously. However, to distinctly imply one’s intentions are physical when one knows that they have no intention of being physical is not only an indication that they believe the only way to impress others is to indicate the willingness to be intimate, or in other words that the person relies on the promise of sex to move forward in the relationship, but can lead to many problems for the individual displaying this tendency:

I. Starting a relationship with deception will almost always end badly, it shows that trust is broken from the beginning and in all likelihood will be broken again.

II. Relying ONLY on one’s physical appearance is acceptable for more casual encounters but cannot usually create the right environment for a long-lasting relationship, unless under some very special circumstances.

III. Using attraction as the ONLY tool often denotes a lack of the ability to deal with problems realistically, or in other words relying solely on one’s physical appearance often leaves others with the impression that other attractive traits are not be found within that individual.

Always remember that when you are getting to know a person, they in turn are getting to know you, don’t be afraid to be your true self while you’re having a little flirtatious fun. Attraction maybe a large part of what brings many people together, but to keep them together you might just have to dig a little deeper.

• Been there, done that: The compulsion to brag about, or even exaggerate, one’s accomplishments or abilities is a natural tendency toward the beginning of a relationship, after all most people are trying to impress the other person and therefore want to show off their most attractive assets; to exploit this, even if accomplished in a subtle way is NO indication of confidence. The desire to let one’s new love interest know about one’s good qualities is only natural; just keep in mind that over compensating will too often lead to disaster. Those who continuously "one-up" or "been there, done that" are almost always hiding a damaged psyche underneath and are attempting to bury it by simply not dealing with the problem(s) at all.

Always keep in mind that in a lasting and open relationship there will be plenty of time to tell the person you care for all about your accomplishments, don’t over-do-it in the beginning of the relationship simply because you feel a little like you’re on display and must therefore list ALL of your good qualities at once, most people will not respond well to this behavior simply because the standard belief that "nobody’s perfect," is usually true; as in all things, balance and be yourself.

Finally, the question that manages to reinsert itself into most people’s lives at one time or another:

Q: How do I become Confidant?

A: Obviously, if becoming a confident person, especially in the area of dating, were an easy task to accomplish it would not be one of the most talked about issues for those seeking relationships (and a few already in them!) Some key elements of how to obtain a level of confidence others may find attractive:

• To be confident one MUST be happy with one’s personality; flaws must be noted and either accepted in or the progress of being modified; If you don’t like who YOU are people will notice and they will often assume that you are not worth their time.

• Know where you’re going: Contentment is a wonderful and all too often overlooked quality in life, but to be completely without goals indicates that one will not necessarily work toward a better future; this is immediately applied to the relationship by those one is dating. TO be happy in one’s life does not mean that one can’t include goals and dreams to share with the person they love, having goals that might be reached together is an attractive quality for many people looking for love.

• Don’t be afraid to reflect on your life: One cannot hope to understand one self if the past is not taken into account, this includes successes and failures. It is true that too often many people’s pasts include painful memories that they would rather not relive, and to dwell on them will most certainly only make one more afraid and insecure; however one cannot outrun one’s memories and in facing them one may find new strength that was not previously available. To admit that one has made mistakes requires a great deal more courage than to pretend mistakes were never made.

• Never assume that past rejections are a reflection on YOU as a person. Too many people have reasons for breaking off relationships that they might not ever reveal to the other person and even when reasons are given one must keep in mind; it if often a matter of opinion what qualities are attractive or unattractive in a person. Never let one bad break-up speak for the rest of your future prospects.

• Learn from your mistakes! If one finds that many people have the same complaint about their personality perhaps it is time for a little reflection? Don’t be afraid of a little criticism, learn to use it to your advantage and always remember that every person is learning and changing almost every day of their life.

• More Fish in the…it’s very true. One’s current relationship or heartache from a broken one can feel at times a little like life and death, try to remember that in time you will likely meet someone new and have another chance at finding the right person. Many people find that after a bad break-up picking up the pieces and moving forward can seem impossible. This can also be true in the unfortunate event that the person has lost their loved one due to a death. While one should never feel pressured to date again, or at all for that matter, it can sometimes be difficult to remember that outside one’s door are billions of people that are complete strangers, one of those people may yet have a very special part to play, if they are given a chance.

Always keep in mind that there are many people in the world, that while we all have things in common we each all have our own unique qualities as well. To be confident you need nothing more than the ability to know and like who you are.

To find a person who fits into your life in such a way that you can build a relationship that could last a lifetime is worth a great deal of work and attention; the rewards of such a relationship are never ending and priceless.