Discovering an affair is always hurtful—no person is invulnerable to the pain and anguish that it can bring. Often, a person’s initial reaction would be shock, fury and numbness that could go on and on in a vicious cycle. The sad thing is whatever reactions one might have hardly matters at all, because the world will never stop spinning, even if it feels like the end of the world. You may be bewildered at first, because you never saw it coming and it never crossed your mind that it could happen to you. So, when the painful truth is finally out and reality starts to sink in, one would ponder whether the whole thing is forgivable, and if it is, how? The flurry of emotions that a person feels upon finding out that a spouse or partner has been having an affair is pretty normal.

People have different ways of dealing with emotions, especially negative ones, but it is always best to let it all out. Some people have a propensity to hold on to these feelings, but it can actually do more harm than good, as this can cause one to feel even worse and usually result in an incredible amount of physical and mental stress. Expressing one’s initial reaction to the situation can clear one’s thoughts, thus the ability to start thinking more slowly and sensibly. You will be able to look deeper and examine your relationship, and ask yourself what could have gone wrong and if it was in fact an amazing relationship as you thought it to be.

Getting past the pain is a long process, but when a person’s feelings have been expressed and sorted out, he/she is on the road to recovery. However, it is very important to remember not to be overpowered by the affair, even if it you still feel like dying a little each day. Sure, it is undeniable that a part of you has died, but it may actually be a blessing in disguise that could teach a lot of lessons. Perhaps one of the better things that a partners’ cheating can do is to open up a person’s eyes and remind him/her that there are essential issues in the relationship that needs to be discussed.

The anger and hurt will definitely show, so let him/her know just how you’re feeling at the moment. It’s ok to refuse talking about it, so don’t hesitate to refuse a discussion unless you’re absolutely able to control your feelings. Time and time again, there will be bursts of anger, which is pretty normal as you and your partner try to smooth things out and make it better. Before the start of any discussion regarding the affair, be in agreement with your partner to disagree if you must and express anger. Patience is of utmost importance in dealing with each other’s emotional outbursts, so if things start to get out of hand, simply end the conversation and give each other time to breathe.

This can be very helpful if done constantly, very much so if there is no longer talking—just yelling and blaming that isn’t taking you anywhere. Once you have both decided to patch things up and make it work, it is vital to focus on rebuilding the trust and forgiving his/her indiscretions. But, to forgive doesn’t really mean that one must forget: it simply means that you have both acknowledged what happened and is ready to get on with your life without bringing the past up in the future. It can be an impossible feat to trust the cheating partner again, but every effort must be made.

However, don’t expect to restore the relationship to its former state overnight, since this usually takes time. Counselling and therapy can help a lot, if you feel that you can’t do it alone.