In this weeks article a girl talked to me about the relationship she has with her 2nd husband. When I asked her to give me a sentence that fully explains her husband, she chose: "He is controlling". She backed this statement up with all kinds of information to make sure that she was completely true.

What occurs to me when I hear a woman call a man controlling is that she has the belief that she can be controlled. This interests me. Whenever somebody thinks that somebody is doing something to them, they are leaving their power in the hands of that person. When our heads think that way about anyone other than ourselves, we have to be the one who is attacked by their actions, and we don't have to take responsibility for our own.

In this case, she was blaming him for why she no longer sings. He requested that she no longer sing in bars, which was something she loved before they fell in love and got married. She complied, and, as a result, stopped singing altogether. She then became resentful that she stopped living her love. She chose to stop singing because it made him uneasy, and yet she realized that he would not stop doing what he wanted even if it upset her.

Why is this situation the case for lots of ladies? It is this way because women like to keep their men happy and also keep them around. Womens actions revolve around those thoughts and then they are not happy while they make their man happy. Resentment set in and women then BLAME the gentlemen, like the men had something to do with it! (Gentlemen, please examine to see if it is the same beliefs you have about women!).

To reveal her beliefs and free her from their painful consequences, we talked about several different levels: First, we looked at her relationships with gentlemen in general and what beliefs she had towards men that would make her think they are controlling. Next, we found her pattern of victimization and how it served her in the past and how it restricted her relationship in the present. Third, we thought about what life would be like if she did not perceive men as controlling. Finally, we gently looked at how she showed up in exactly the ways she complained about her spouse and gentlemen in general. As she realized how controlling she was in the way she thought about how she thought he should do things to please her, the laughing started. Once we get what we are really doing, it is hard not to giggle!

It was success when she realized that it was HER that was actually making the relationship hard. When she put all her focus into what her husband was doing wrong, the relationship was hopeless and she was ready to cut her losses and move on. As soon as she noticed how it was her that was getting rid of him because of her resentment, she had the priviledge to see a number of different options available to her, should she choose to be different. She went from hopeless and powerless, to full of hope and power.

What a thrill to be with somebody when they dig deeply, and find many kinds of empowering opportunities they have!