What does every working mother have in common? Clue: you feel it when you go back to work and you feel it when you stay at home - guilt.

It's a horrible emotion and it can make you irritable, irrational and frankly, a misery! But it's not something to be ashamed of, in fact, it would take someone who was extremely sorted emotionally to be able to deny any guilt at all. But it is possible to minimise the guilt and deal with it head on.

As a mother, you are programmed to put your children first. It's in your genes, a throw back to the days when mothers instinctively protected their children against predators. Now, the predators are gone but still, we persist in feeling that we are the only people in the world who know what's best for our children and that makes us feel guilty whenever we have a thought about our own careers or even time alone!

"Working mothers like me are used to being made to feel guilty. If they still burned witches at the stake, the first in line for the bonfire would be those who handed over their children to someone else so they could stir their cauldrons full-time." So says Lowri Turner. Well, that's one woman's view and I bet there are quite a few who share it!

But what does Guilt feel like?

It can be like a feeling of shame, without perhaps even knowing exactly what we feel bad about. There is such a thing as real guilt. We have a built in system - 'conscience' - which tells us when we are doing something wrong. With real guilt, we will feel guilty about particular things, and it is a good indicator that perhaps things need to change.

It's also highly likely that with a tight routine of children and work to organise day in, day out, you are feeling stressed to some degree and this affects your emotions in a negative way anyway. Stress will exacerbate any feelings of guilt you are having so you must take that into account when assessing your guilt levels.

Does guilt mean I'm wrong?

Not necessarily! Guilt is a good indication that you might not have things balanced the way you'd like, but you'll never get rid of guilt entirely. As a normal human being, you are likely to feel that you don't want to let anyone down and by not being at work or not with your family, you may feel you are letting them down. Letting them down = guilty feelings. This is where getting a better balance comes in.

Even icons like Madonna, for all their wealth and army of nannies admit they find getting the balance right hard work. Madonna said in her

documentary 'I'm Going To Tell You A Secret': "One day you will know the polarity of work and family and the struggle to keep it all balanced." as she sobbed to the camera. If she can't manage it, what hope have you got? So don't feel bad about guilt, it's a human thing and a necessary thing that if anything, shows you that you care a lot - and that's not a bad thing!

Who is making you feel guilty?

'Silly question, me of course!' you might say. And yes, to a point you are your own worst enemy by allowing guilt to take over. But what is it that triggers the guilt? Why do you feel guilty at dropping your kids off at childcare?

You are entitled to carry on with your own life even though you are now a mother! There, I've said it. OK, it might be a very different kind of life and you will inevitably have a period of adaptation and acceptance of that, but don't feel that you are wrong for wanting to have a life after children.

Society is different now. Only thirty or forty years ago It wasn't accepted that women with children should work as well. Don't forget, the equal pay act was only introduced 30 years ago and we still haven't managed to get pay fully equal yet! If you got married back then, often that was enough for you to have to leave work to look after the household, let alone when you had children. There was no question about who would run the house and look after the children. These issues are still around in older generations today and knowing that your own parents or grandparents may think you are wrong is also a route to feeling disapproved of and therefore guilty.

So try not to feel guilty about wanting to eventually get on with your life!

Make your own mind up.

Let's face it, there isn't a month goes by that someone somewhere hasn't produced a survey that tells us how bad we are as working mothers to 'dump' our children or on the flip side to tell us how we shouldn't be wasting our skills and education and get back to work.

But in reality, all these surveys are about different women all over the country in different situations. It is really impossible to generalise and after all, you know you the best. It is up to you to decide that you have made the best decisions you could at the time and that you are going to make it work. Don't let doubt and inevitably guilt change that or you may well resent it later on.

Equally, some women know in their heart of hearts that they really want to be with their family full time and that's great - they've also listened to their guilt and it's told them what they needed to know. Don't be afraid to look your guilt in the eye and make changes if that's what is needed.

Take an honest look at yourself!

So how do we deal with this? There is no one answer that will make your guilt go away, and it's important to realise that it is a process, not an instant thing (since when were human emotions that easy to tame?).

Start by being honest with yourself. Write down a list of the reasons why you went back to work initially or why you want to go back to work. Then write a list of reasons why you work now or not. Try and list both positives and negatives - it's too easy to focus just on the problems.

When you look at the lists, are the reasons you work now still the same as the reasons you went back to work for originally? Is the only reason you're going back to work for the money? Are you actually happy at home but feeling pressure from elsewhere to go back to work? If the two lists are very different, think about how they are and whether you are happy with that. What's in those lists that makes you feel uneasy about them?

If the problem is work ..

One of the main routes for feeling guilty about working is because you're not enjoying it or it isn't satisfying anymore. You wonder why you're doing this job when you could be having more fun with your kids. If one of the main reasons you went to work is because you felt fulfilled when you worked but your aren't now, then in fact it may be your job you need to be looking at, not your lifestyle.

It may be that you simply need a change of work scenery to rejuvenate your interest and satisfaction levels.

If the reason you work is because you need the money but you aren't happy in your job, then look at finding a new job or re-training. Learning new skills can be a huge confidence boost and will give you a new lease of enthusiasm for your job or even give you the opportunity to change roles within the company you are with.

Of course, finding a new job when you have children can be a challenge in its own right and is the reason many women rise to the challenge of starting their own business or becoming consultants.

Take a look at your children - happy or sad?

Are your children happy? Do you feel guilty because you're not there when they get in from school or because they go to a childminder? Have you actually asked them what they think of all this?

Children can be brutally honest and also petulant and stroppy. But then so can parents! If you have simply told them that this is what's happening and they have to get on with it, they are going to feel dictated to. If you discuss it with them, ask how they feel or if they have any ideas about how to make the whole thing hang together, then you might be surprised at the response you get.

They will, after all, have their own ideas and will also know what other parents do and don't do. Equally, children can be very adept at pushing the right emotional buttons to make the most of your guilt so try to make sure you stay objective and factual in your discussions with them!

Do they know why you do what you do?

If you're feeling guilty about working, then it might be time to explain to your family why you work. If you work because your wage pays for all the after school activities and clubs they go to, then let them know that.

Does the money make it all worthwhile?

The million-dollar question. Many of us work because we are maintaining a lifestyle we had before our children were born. Women are waiting until they are older to have children, the likelihood is they will have their own flat or house, car, are used to holidays etc and have followed a career. Once you have children, if you want all of that to continue, with or without a partner, then it has to be paid for.

So consider this - if you are feeling guilty because you're spending a lot of time in the office and not with your kids but you have a nice car, ask yourself which is more important? Keeping up appearances or keeping a relationship with your kids? I'm not suggesting you go and run an organic farm in Dorset, but many people are realising the smoke and mirrors of our spend heavy society and it's true - you really can't take it with you.