THE BIG, BAD BODY LANGUAGE MYTH AND THE REAL MESSAGE TO NOTICE

IN THE WORLD OF READING BODY LANGUAGE, ONE MOVE DOES NOT A MESSAGE MAKE (NECESSARILY)

Let us try and get to the truth about what it really means when someone scratches some part of their body, or makes some gesture. What exactly should you be looking at, and to what degree should you take notice about someone's "apparent" body language?

Although I emphasized the importance of looking at the whole

person, people would still ask "What does it mean when someone

crosses her arms when she's talking to you?" Or, "Doesn't it mean

a person is dishonest if he doesn't look at you when he's talking?"

How much easier would life be if we could look at the way

people hold their arms, or cross their legs, or use eye

contact, and instantly know what they are thinking?

The Big, Bad Body Language Myth is the idea that if you know the

secrets behind decoding body language, you can look at a person

and know exactly what she's thinking.

Our thoughts are far more complicated than to think we can read

another person's mind solely by one movement.

BIG GENDER AND CULTURE DIFFERENCES

It has been said that crossing your arms suggests closed

mindedness. No pun intended, but you need to keep an open mind about this, please.

Have you ever considered that men and and women often cross their arms simply because they are cold, or more comfortable like that, or merely because

it's a habit. How can you be sure? Try talking more to them, see if they are still in the conversation or if they have already tuned you out.

Different cultures use eye contact differently.

So, if you've read that you must look someone in the eye or be

perceived as dishonest, you may misunderstand Asian cultures who

consider bold eye contact to be disrespectful, especially if you

are gazing into the eyes of your elder or someone who has a higher

position than you.

If the big, bad myth is that one gesture is not enough to read a

person, what's the real message that will give us insight into what

another person is thinking?

CHECK OUT THE BIGGER PICTURE

Rather than look for one gesture to understand a person, notice

any sudden, more involved changes. For example, if you approach

someone who has his hands in his pockets and is jiggling change,

don't assume he's cheap.

(Yes, that has been a common assumption of this single gesture.)

He could simply be feeling for his car keys, wondering if he has

enough for the parking meter, or just jingling out of nervous habit.

WE HAVE NON-VERBAL ACCENTS

Each of us has our own body language idiosyncrasies, influenced

by our upbringing, what part of the world we were raised in,

even our cultural customs or religious beliefs.

So, our body language has unique patterns, a kind of non-verbal

accent, so to speak.

Is it possible to tell then, if we have lost the attention or

goodwill of someone with whom we're speaking if we can't rely on

a few movements here and there?

Well, yes. If you've been paying attention to that person's

nonverbal cues for several minutes. Again, you'll want to notice

any sudden, major change.

Uncrossing or crossing the arms or legs can do without your concern.

However, if people suddenly change their body position, turn their

head, avert their eyes, and (the kiss of death for you) heave a

heavy sigh, you'll know that you've lost them.

BOTTOM LINE:

Your take home messages: first, make sure you're sharing the

conversation as much as possible so they don't suddenly zone out

on you. Second, keep the body language message in context and

they will reveal much more to you than your trying to force

meaning on a single isolated action.