The first month of the New Year is traditionally when we give thought to what we might want next in our lives. As in wanting to change, or achieve, or hoping will be different. Such as the idea of better relationships with family, friends, loved ones, even pets. Starting with having less conflict or arguments with our nearest and dearest. Well, supposed to be our nearest and dearest. . .

A tried-and-true way of getting there can be summed up very simply by the phrase, “Seek first to understand.” Sounds nice, doesn’t it? We all want to be more understanding of the others in our lives. Preferably without turning into doormats. But what does it really mean? And how do you get there?

Glad you asked. You see, “Seek first to understand” is actually a great way to defuse conflict because it lets you step back from a defensive posture. When you don’t attempt to respond with righteous push-back, but instead first try to understand where your partner, co-worker, child, or pet is coming from, chances are there won’t be an argument. Oh, you still may not come to a perfect solution, but as you understand what matters to the other, you open the door to negotiation, compromise, and eventually mutually acceptable solutions.

The easiest, most effective way to get to understanding someone else’s position or thinking, is to first take a breath and take a mental step back so you don’t march in with your automatic “That makes no sense!” or “You’re wrong, that’s all there is to it.” Then, as calmly and neutrally as you can, say something like “Ok, I hear you. Please tell me more.” And then wait. If that means internally counting to 10, so be it. 10 it is. Or 15 or 20. Whatever you need to help you stay calm. Meanwhile, if they stand there in stunned disbelief, which is highly likely, or ask “What do you mean, tell you more? There’s nothing more to say,” respond (calmly!) with something like “Tell me more about what that means to you, how it matters.” Once again, wait.

The wording of this technique is important. “Tell me more” gets you further than “I want to understand” which makes them ask about you. “Tell me more” makes it about them. And asking what something means and how it matters doesn’t engage the other’s defensiveness, whereas asking “why” most often does.

“Seek first to understand” rather than seeking first to win the argument. Try the “tell me more” technique and see for yourself just how much further it takes you along the road to peaceful relationships in every area of your life.