Anxiety is a common problem that plagues a lot of people. Many times people are only remotely in touch with their feelings. We divert our attention from our feelings by texting, surfing the net, zoning out in front of the television, or getting overly involved in work or other distractions. We may even become addicted to these an other behavior and end up at an emotional distance from those we love and care about.

It is important that we, first of all, realize that our feelings are a natural, wired in response and, if we want to get anywhere positive, we need to learn how to deal and work with our feelings, rather than against them. We need to learn how to connect with our true feelings before we can make any kind of shift in our lives.

How do I understand this dilemma so well? Been there, done that! For a long time, I thought that I was pretty in touch with my feelings. But, what I learned through therapy, when I finally bottomed out, was that I was not as aware of my emotions as I had thought. I was actually controlled by my anxiety.

At the center of my approach with anxiety is emotional mindfulness. Emotional mindfulness is about becoming more aware of and more fully present to our feelings – how we experience them, the sensations that they create, what they feel like in our bodies, how to open up to the flow of their energy, how to make the best use of them. It starts with being more in touch with our bodily experience as well as all the ways that we avoid our feelings, or what I call 'defenses'-- all the ways in which we defend against our emotional experience.

In short, defensive behaviors are attempts to get away from feeling uncomfortable when we get close to our feelings. Many of them started early in life and have developed over many years. They've become so automatic that they're are outside of our awareness. We're don't even realize what we're doing.

We don't understand why we get busy. We just get busy. We are not aware that perhaps we have feelings that make us anxious. We just end up going shopping, reaching for something to eat, busying ourselves at our jobs, or getting on the computer.

We don't understand the factors that contribute to our behavior. We don't realize that this type of behavior is really there to avoid the anxiety we feel when we get close to our feelings.

It's critical that we slow down and begin to sensitize ourselves to our internal experience and begin to recognize all the ways in which keep ourselves from being in touch with our true feelings.

In part, I see addictive behavior as a way of regulating our anxiety and discomfort. It's a coping strategy. Many of the people that I've worked with who are in recovery often discover just how little experience they have being present with their feeling. They notice how difficult it feels to tolerate their emotions – whether it be tolerating sadness, pain, or guilt – but also tolerating more pleasureable feelings, like love, pride, excitement, and joy.

To feel better and thrive, we need to learn how to regulate our anxiety and develop the capacity to be with ourselves emotionally so that we can step more fully into the present moment. We need to face our fears, learn how to be present with ourselves, and, ultimately, with others. We need to stop ourselves from resorting to defensive avoidance, whether it's using drugs, eating, going shopping, having sex, etc..

Emotional security and closeness is at the foundation of a healthy relationship. We all long to feel close and safely connected but often struggle to make this happen. We can achieve safety and security in our lives through our feelings but it takes work. We need to learn how to open up and reveal ourselves more fully, to share our authentic experience, to be vulnerable with our partners, to share our softer side, our needs, as well how to make healthy use of our anger and share it in a positive and productive way. When we learn to do these things, when we learn to face our fears, our anxiety will begin to melt and give way to a fuller, richer life.