How do we find our voices and learn to make a noise that others hear and respect? How do we gain a level of confidence in ourselves and what we have to say in order to make a difference in the lives of others because we speak?

Today, I want to briefly explore how to be a woman who ‘roars’ with the voice of authority!

I am an avid ‘people watcher’. I can sit for hours at a mall or in a park and just watch people. Because I have a love for children, I find myself watching parents (especially moms) with their young children. What I’ve observed is that the moms who seem to have the greatest positive impact on their children, in terms of discipline, are those who ‘bend’ to look the child in his eyes, speak plainly, firmly and softly while commanding the unflinching gaze of their youngster.

On the other hand, the ones with the unruly kids turning a deaf ear to mom are the ones who scream at the top of their lungs.

I’ve also observed that the soft-but-firm mom gives undivided attention to her child and enough information that the child has a grasp on what mom is saying. More importantly, on why mom is saying it. And almost always, mom says, “do you understand” or “do you see why”.

While how we speak is important - equally important is what we have to say and why we’re saying it. If I have a tendency to babble on without a great deal of substance to my words - then when I do have something fairly profound to say - the tendency of others may be to ignore my words. Ultimately they will ignore the person who’s speaking as well.

When my friend was involved in the marriage encounter movement, we used to do the same exercises that he did with couples on the weekend retreats. I found those exercises invaluable for learning how to ’speak my mind’; how to be understood; and how to be valued for my feelings and my thoughts.

As I overcame my fear of ’speaking my mind’, I gained confidence in what I had to share; and I gained a new level of respect from him.

This exercise in communication is equally effective with friends, workplace colleagues, managers and subordinates, as well as married couples. Briefly, it goes like this: choose a topic that is important to one member of the team; pick a time during the week when both persons are least likely to be interrupted; write about the topic during the week (make sure to include how you feel about the topic rather than just writing your thoughts or ideas and make sure to use “I” statements rather than “you” statements). At the appointed time, sit together and read what each has written about the topic. Each person reads what they’ve written while the other listens quietly (don’t ask questions or interrupt if possible). The listener should “check out” with the person who has read so as to make certain the he/she fully understands what is being said. Reverse the process allowing the listener to become the ‘reader’.

If the topic requires coming to compromise or ‘common ground’, then work out a plan together to reach a mutually acceptable compromise with which both persons are comfortable.

The above is a wee bit of an over-simplification of the process (for the sake of brevity); but hopefully you get the ‘gist’.

Most important to the process is the sharing of feelings! When we can learn to share our feelings with another and own them - it can be a liberating experience - for both or all involved.

What does this have to do with speaking with authority - speaking as to be heard?

The ability to share our feelings with another involves trust. It involves integrity and courage. Only the most crass of individuals would not be positively impacted when another person, regardless of the degree of closeness shared, trusts us enough to share at a feeling level. Only a totally obtuse individual would miss the level of integrity and courage it takes to share one’s feelings with another. It may take time - but over time - walls come tumblin’ down when persons who live life relating to each other - relate to each other from a feeling level.

The more I write, the more I realize there’s a lot of ’stuff’ here that needs more exploration and more explanation. I’ll get to that, but for now, I’m going to stick to “sharing how we feel with each other builds trusting relationships” and “trusting relationships” eventually lead to increasing levels of personal integrity. And personal integrity leads to a voice whose words carry the weight of authority!

In order not to turn this post into a novel of some length, I’ll close with a personal experience from my own journey.

I worked for one of the finest men I have known (actually two of them in the same corporation) who taught me a great deal. We were friends as well as working colleagues. He was my superior and knew how to ‘yank my chain’ to get what he wanted me to achieve. It took me a little bit to realize that he knew anger was a motivator for me. He would goad me about raising more charitable dollars until I got angry and then I would go out and do exactly that - raise more dollars!

But it took its toll on me and once I realized his strategy, I confronted him while on one of our monthly corporate staff retreats. I used much from the M.E. model and ended by sharing the feelings I had once I awakened to his ’strategy’. I recall saying, “Jim, I like and respect you too much to allow you to continue on a path that will destroy my respect for you and spoil a great working relationship!”

He was stunned! That statement opened the door to some great open, honest conversation and eventually to a plan to help him avoid ‘goading’ me. And it allowed me to gain from him a promise that I could ‘call him on it’ when I caught him in the act of ‘goading’.

Most of all, it led to a deeper mutual respect for each other; a deeper trusting relationship that made it possible for us to often share personal concerns with each other in order to seek advice and support.

Although he was my superior on the organizational chart, he viewed me as his peer. And when I spoke - he listened - with head & heart engaged.

Hopefully, this ’snippet’ from my personal professional history is a good example of what I’ve been sharing with you. I know there’s all kinds of ‘pitfalls’ in feeling-sharing. But for now - we’ll leave those on the table and take them up next time.

There is something about embarking upon the 2nd half of the journey that urges us to grow into a place where we find ways to be heard; ways to be taken seriously (if we haven’t in the past); and ways to gain the respect of others - allowing us to speak with the voice of authority.